Potty Mouths and LensCrafters

May 24th, 2011 | By | Category: Columns

Dear Jonathan:

You seem righteous and well-read. What’s your opinion on the whole “de-funding Planned Parenthood” debacle that was playing out in the news recently?

On April 15th, 2011, the Washington Post’s Opinion Section had a fantastic article by Clare Coleman in regards to the five myths about Planned Parenthood. This was in response to Tea Partier Michelle Bachman’s statement about Planned Parenthood trying to be the LensCrafters of abortion. After you get past the incredibly offensive statement, Bachman has a simple argument: she thinks Planned Parenthood shouldn’t get government funding or be tax exempt. Now in my opinion, if you think the term “sexual health” is potty language, then you shouldn’t be making decisions that affect the rest of us. Also, Bachmann’s statement told me nothing about the issue at hand. It was a cheap insult that wasn’t even funny. However, the article explained very precisely what Planned Parenthood does and the consequences of it disappearing.

Yes, if you want to know what’s going on in the world, you have to pay attention and listen carefully to the people you disagree with. Yes, some people cheapen real discussion with insults and profane comparisons instead of actually discussing the issues. Yes, it is stressful and scary to hear what some people have to say.

So, if you’re going to have to hear political crazy, you might as well enjoy it with fun claymation:

"Unless government appropriately regulates oil developments and holds oil executives accountable, the public will not trust them to drill, baby, drill. And we must!" - Sarah Palin

So she says, while mushing her little omelet. But I’m curious – what kind of omelet is she making? Are those mushrooms or sausage? And is that scared little girl the next ingredient?!

"So here you have Barack Obama going in and spending the money on embryonic stem cell research. ... Eugenics. In case you don't know what Eugenics led us to: the Final Solution. A master race! A perfect person. ... The stuff that we are facing is absolutely frightening." - Glenn Beck

It certainly is frightening. Which head is saying this? Are they in agreement? And is this what happens when your parents are brother and sister?

"The exact phrase 'separation of Church and State' came out of Adolph Hitler's mouth, that's where it comes from. So the next time your liberal friends talk about the separation of Church and State, ask them why they're Nazis." - Glen Urquhart

When you’re sad, Gumby makes you glad with all the things he can do!

Like, remember how he was always fighting against the evil Blockheads? And the Blockheads were all like, “We’re bad-ass and gonna cause trouble,” and then they would kidnap Pokey! Yeah, that was great stuff.

"Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn’t even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas." – Michelle Bachmann.

Is it just me or does she look like she’s about to rip one?

"The first thing that has to be done is secure the border ... East Germany was very, very able to reduce the flow. Now, obviously, other things were involved. We have the capacity to, as a great nation, secure the border. If East Germany could, we could." —Alaska GOP Senate candidate Joe Miller

Well aren’t you just adorable! Oh cutie, what are guarding those Alaskan borders from? Eskimos? That’s precious. Isn’t he just the sternest and toughest and most downright menacing monster you ever met? I wonder what would happen if I tickled him?

"American scientific companies are cross-breeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully functioning human brains." – Christine O’Donnell

It must be witchcraft. And, rumor has it, they are also learning how to make necrophilia look sexy … ugh, I can’t believe I just said that.

“We're gonna have our 7th child on Monday, if he's not born before. And, for the very concerns you state, we're actually considering – as I'm sure many of you here didn't get a Social Security number when you were born, they do it now – we're considering not doing that. And a lot of people are considering that now, because it is being used to track you.” – Ken Cuccinelli

Conspiracy theorists look so much better when they smile and have adorable puppies with them.


Got a question? Send it to jonathandefenestrates@gmail.com!

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