Mother, May I Throttle You?

Mar 31st, 2011 | By | Category: Prose


I’m getting married in two months and my fiancee’s mother is driving me crazy! He suggests we both lay low, but there must be something I can do to make this more bearable. Help?


Hooray! Gay wedding season! But, here’s the one problem with achievements in gay equality and gay marriage – you now are required to have the wedding. They’re beautiful, sentimental and a big ball of stress. My husband and I did it a few years ago and its meaningfulness was written all over my face… in wrinkles. *sigh*

So, here are the quick easy steps:

1. Set a date and a flexible budget.
2. Decide on location.
3. Assemble guest list to determine food/music/ceremony.
4. Delineate responsibilities to minions … errr … friends.
5. Inform your mother…
6. Acknowledge that all the previous hard work will now be scrapped as your mother undergoes her evil transformation into Momzilla…

Ever mother’s conundrum over her gay son’s wedding: am I the mother of a bride or groom? If it’s a groom, she gets to stand proud and admire from a distance. But, if this can be somehow twisted into the former, then she gets to plan a wedding.

The Momzilla of a queer wedding is very similar to her mainstream counter-part, but may have more unique and deadly matricidal powers. These beasts are tough and have high armor classes and are resistant to most known attacks. Identifying what type of Momzilla you are dealing with is essential before proceeding.

The Catholic Momzilla:

Whether you like it or not, this is going to be a church wedding. Perhaps not the family neighborhood church you were subjected to growing up, but sure enough, there’s an Episcopal church someplace nearby and a “proper” officiate. You might not have wanted Jesus on the guest list (and let’s face it, all that stigmata is going to make a real mess when the hors d’oeuvres get passed around), but if she’s gonna be there, so will He. Oh yes, and the Catholic Momzilla breathes fire, too.

How to combat: Try replacing her sacramental wine with Nyquil and make sure speeches are only done by active AA members.

The PFLAG Momzilla:

A long time ago, when the earth was young, the PFLAG Mothers arrived from distant shores on rainbow painted boats with unicorn steeds. Their overprotective instincts have made them fierce combatants, armed with razor sharp tiaras, streamers and more penis paraphernalia than a Jersey-Girl bachelorette party.

How to combat: The natural predator of PFLAG parents are traditional settings. If she was hoping for a choir of female impersonators to serenade your walk down the aisle, insist on the tone-deaf organist.

The Momzilla of Denial:

These great masters of illusion are able to literally recreate reality into their own vision. And traditional values are key to their motives. No matter what, the happy couple will be dressed in the standard wedding dress and tuxedo.

How to combat: Hold a cross-dressing reception. Chances are your new brother-in-laws are going to enjoy showing up as mail-order brides. Oh, and your old high school girlfriend Momzilla had thought perfect for you … well, she’ll look just dashing with that glued on mustache.

Got a question? Send it to!


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