All The Colors Of My Butt (Leave Me Alone, Disney!)

Feb 28th, 2011 | By | Category: Columns

I am really disappointed “Tangled” wasn’t nominated for the “Best Animated Feature” category. Why was Disney gypped?

I’m just gonna come out and say it: I hate Disney films.

Now, I’m willing to admit that I might hate them for the wrong reasons. This has nothing to do with all the onslaught of straight-to-DVD films. It also has nothing to do with the weird copyright lawsuits and the over-commercialization. Sure I questioned the logic of “Tinkerbell and the Great Fairy Rescue” and kind of hoped it took place in a gay piano bar on the rough side of Palm Springs, but whatever. Individual crap movies don’t affect my life in any real terrible way.

So, why do I hate Disney and their films so much? At the risk of coming across as a bitter old man (which I totally am), I really can’t stand all the sentimental bullshit. I feel uncomfortable during gushy moments and get embarrassed for movie characters, even the animated ones, during those awkward heart-felt scenes.

What I find interesting is that people are actually appalled when they discover this about me. I’m sorry everybody, but I really don’t care for children, I think Valentine’s Day is dumb and I have multiple reasons why I hate Disney films:

1. Not everyone can be special or unique. When you wish upon a star, I guarantee you that nobody is listening.

2. I do not believe in the power of youth. No matter how pure of heart they are, children will not defeat the sea witch, dragon, evil wizard, etc.

3. Youth does not give you the ability to communicate with animals. There I said it! And that naked kid from “The Jungle Book” should have been eaten within the first five minutes and spared our childhood from unrealistic expectations.

4. Orphan pickpockets and headstrong 16-year-old princesses do not make good adventuring duos. Just no. It doesn’t work. I’m sorry.

5. 16-year-old princess do not marry the first singing hero who rescues them. Though I’m pretty sure there is such a thing as Disney contraceptives, otherwise there would be a plethora of Disney-teenage pregnancy sequels.

6. Communal song and dance routines do not work out unless they were rehearsed ahead of time. Now, I have no problem with people randomly singing in public – but I am not going to join in. Chances are, I don’t know the lyrics and I’m too lazy to pick up the dance moves on the spot.

7. Under no circumstance will animals sing and dance in unison. Remember when you thought that sweet Doberman was trying to play with your pet bunny, and you thought how cute they looked and how they would make sweet music together and be best of friends … boy do you feel foolish now.

8. If a dragon’s egg hatches, it is more likely to eat you than be your friend. Enough said.

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