Slash in the Pan: Where Copyright Infringement and Sensuality Bang

Jan 25th, 2011 | By | Category: Columns

Am I just getting older or is Slash Fiction just getting lazier?

So, for those of you who are not familiar with slash fiction, this is erotic fan fiction with a man-on-man angle. And I kind of missed the whole slash phenomenon, though I had some friends were big fanatics about it. My friend, Meredith, was a big slash writer. Her primary focus was on comic book superheroes and must have come up with a hundred different scenarios in which Batman had to go poking and prodding in Robin’s utility belt.

However, one thing Meredith commented on was how youth oriented slash fiction has become. Apparently, the slash forums have completely turned over to Harry Potter and the Twilight series. Not only are the storylines all repetitive, but the actual characters are disturbingly underage. This whole Harry Potter getting turned into a Chinese finger trap between Snape and Dumbledore has got to stop.

The Defenestration Crew is on Team Please Just Stop.

Anyway, since I’ve arrived perhaps too late to make any real contributions to the slash genre, I have compiled a short list of possibilities for slash fiction aimed at a more mature audience:

Twin Peaks

Genre: Supernatural Murder Mystery

Sexy Pairing: Agent Dale Cooper and Sheriff Harry Truman

Sexy Location: The Black Lodge, inter-dimensional space with doppelgangers and red curtains.

There is something suspiciously sexy about the building relationship between FBI Agent Cooper and the small town Sheriff Truman throughout two seasons of trying to solve the murder of Laura Palmer and trying to uncover the secrets of the Black Lodge. This pairing had Bromance written all over it from the start. And let’s face it, neither of them are particularly lucky with the ladies – Truman’s main squeeze, Josie, turns out to be a murderous femme fatale and Cooper’s only legal-aged prospect was ex-nun turned Black Lodge captive, Annie. It only makes sense that these two would turn to each other for a little comfort.

Excerpt: “That’s one damn fine cup of coffee … oops!” Cooper exclaimed, as the cup tumbled onto the sheriff’s lap. Their eyes met as Truman slid his pants off. “This is for you, Laura.”


Genre: Sci-Fi Shoot ‘em Up

Sexy Pairing: Arnold Schwarzenegger and the Predator.

Sexy Location: a canopy of trees in the South American jungle of turmoil.

For real, there some awful machismo worth exploiting here. I recently rewatched this movie and found the premise to already have an underlying slash tone to it: several big burly beefcakes are being stalked through the jungle, half of which end up losing their shirts to reveal muscular hairless chests. And the ending showdown…Arnold coats himself with mud and even the Predator himself is stripping off his armor to reveal his impeccable out-of-this-world six pack abs. It makes you kind of wonder if this whole epic hunting thing was just a way of determining who was going to be the bottom.


Predator: *RAWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!*
Ahnald Schwartzenegger: “That turns me on.”

Kitchen Nightmares

Genre: Food and Sadomasochism

Sexy Pairing: Gordon Ramsay and random chefs.

Sexy Location: Kitchen

First of all, Gordon Ramsay proves that you don’t have to be relatively good looking nor have a nice personality to be sexy. I mean, abusive men aren’t sexy, but seriously…some poor amateur chef screws up his soufflé and all I can think is, “Oh no, here’s where Ramsay’s gonna pull the poor lad over his knee and beat him with a ladle!”


“Gordon turned, his sensual beet red face a majestic magenta. His gaze ran down the line of his chefs, who trembled from fear, desire, or a shellfish allergy. Suddenly, he was in front of handsome and talented Chef Marcus, who longed to lick the spittle from Gordon’s chin.

Gordon held up a pot of beef bourguignon, but Marcus longed for a different injection of hot beef.

‘See this, Marcus?’ Gordon whispered. ‘I’m going to make you swallow it. I’m going to make you swallow it all.’

Marcus nodded, then got down to business.”

Holmes on Homes

Genre: Home Renovation

Sexy pairing: Mike Holmes and me.

Sexy location: My House

And let me just say, ever since I got my house I’ve been sending S.O.S calls to HGTV non-stop. I’ve got some serious structural issues that I’m quite sure only Mr. Holmes can take care of.


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