Jizzkickers: Sky Mall Has What You Don’t Need

Jan 18th, 2011 | By | Category: Prose

Sky Mall! The perfect magazine for those of us who forgot to pack a book, or have to put our Kindle or iPad away because the EMF generated by such devices will cause the universe to divide by 0 thus bringing an end to existence as we know it, but not before the plane we’re on magically falls out of the sky in such a display that would make even Chicken Little exclaim “Oh Fuck…”

While getting caught in the aforementioned situation (the lack of on-flight entertainment caused by the electricity Nazis, not being in a plane crash), I picked up and perused through a SkyMall catalogue. Not that I’d ever order anything from there, since I might be able to find it cheaper online after I depart the air craft, I didn’t realize (or just can’t fathom) how tacky our tastes have become. I get that some people like Thomas Kinkade and Precious Moments in the same way some people like cutting themselves, but some of the featured products defy logic to a point that just leaves you wondering “WTH were they even thinking?” I mean really, I always thought SkyMall, while still hawking some somewhat useless stuff that kept Sharper Image in business (oh wait, nevermind), was still a step above Miles Kimball with their lunch meat syringes and the “personal massagers” which were really nothing more than a standard grade dildo being photographed on some woman’s shoulder.

So, behold the selection of woe and wtf I have selected for your viewing pleasure!

1: “Imagine not being tired anymore… imagine being pain free and filled with energy… STOP IMAGINING!” You mean stop imagining that the symbols adorning the sides of your Inspector Gadget spring heeled shoes are sperms? The diagram states they are a “slick Seed of Life Logo (because its cool!)”. I don’t know about you, but having pictures of sperm at my school would’ve probably gotten me gaybashed–or hit on by the creepy janitor. Seriously, just slap on some smiley faces on them, tell me it’s an advert for a sperm bank, and I’ll gladly make a deposit. Or just call them Jizzkickers…

2: The Brobdingnagian Sports Chair. Now as a child I used to envy the pictures of family vacations before I was born. These pictures were taken of various family members in over sized “giant” furniture. I so badly wanted to play on them, and then finally one day at a SeaWorld my wish came true! I had found some giant chairs and climbed up in them. Sure I was dwarfed and delighted in this experience, but the fact was, they were really fucking uncomfortable. I could not lean back, and when I did, my legs wouldn’t hang over the edge. Well, now with this chair I can relive those uncomfortable moments–or look like an attention whore–or someone who’s trying to (badly) overcompensate. I suppose this chair would be perfect if I should ever grow an extra two or three feet, or develop a baby or micro fetish… neither of which I see happening. I suppose if I were a hipster, I could get three of my friends to sit in the chair with me as we all silently judge others, and go on a tangent of the irony of how the chairs name mixes the machismo of sports with classic literature reference from Gulliver’s Travels.

3: Did you ever get the urge for do-it-yourself Surf n’ Turf? Where you can steam your hot dog next to a lobster claw and tail, whilst also heating some ranch dressing and boiling broccoli underneath? No? Same here…

4: Are drinking glasses against the wall not cutting it anymore for eavesdropping in on meetings where people are most definitely saying bad things about you (at least according to the voices in your head)? Then get this handy, “completely inconspicuous” (if you work in a Vegas casino), pen holder to leave in the middle of a conference room. It’s completely innocuous, so no one will ever suspect the sparkly, lit pen holder with a digital clock that shines like a reject Stephenie Meyer Vampire in the room, nor would they ever pick it up to wonder who left the tacky P.O.S. pen holder in the room in the first place!

5: If you’ve ever owned a cat and a computer, you’ll know how much Mittens loves to help you type those e-mails and surf for porn! Now, with the addition of these easy-to-setup screens you can keep Mr. Tibbles from invading your space… unless he jumps or climbs over the 2 foot tall dividers (which cats can’t do of course), or comes in via your lap, which when surfing for naughty images can be a bad thing when you have a -1 defense against kitty-claws due to your pants being around your ankles. Or you could just put your nosy pet outside of the room and close the door.

6: To quote the Insane Clown Posse: “Fucking Magnets! How do they work?!” Yes with the magic of magnets, you can miraculously make wine taste better… Never mind the pseudoscience behind it, or the years complex chemical reactions needed to properly give wine that desired taste. Do some research before buying into this one. Also if you’re a male, sticking your junk in the middle will make it bigger without harmful cancer risks form other penile enlargement products. I’m a scientist, so it must be true!

7: As if the devil himself had possessed the item to play Deck The Halls, this charming piano plays its own music when a music sheet is set upon it, and it can be yours for $139 (actually now it’s only $99 according to the website, but even still that’s too much though it does restore my faith in humanity to have good taste)! Don’t like the fact the keys eerily move on their own as though a disembodied spirit of a 9 year old piano student was there playing Ode to Joy? Worry not! For they’ve added a tacky, beady-eyed mouse to provide a physical physical presence! And for only $19.50 more you can add a small candelabra, and a French whore mouse (who somehow can climb up on top of a piano that’s just as tall as she is). Or for a better proportionate size ratio, you can put those now worthless Beanie Babies to some use by positioning them around the devil’s piano in an art form I like to call “Advanced Dust Collecting”.


Steve Elkham is a total liar and has already ordered twelve Brobdingnagian Sports Chairs to create his own, lamer version of the Fellowship of the Ring. Luckily, Andrew looks awesome in a Gandalf wig.

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