What You Need To Know About PPS

Oct 26th, 2010 | By | Category: Columns

Is playing volleyball acceptable for men? My friend used to make fun of me because I did spinning classes every now and then and he called me “girly” so I decided to make fun of him because he played rec volleyball. I consider volleyball a girl’s sport, like synchronized swimming. I do girly athletic things too, like yoga videos on demand and even considered pilates. But when I Googled division one schools to see if they have men’s volleyball teams, the only ones are in California. That’s pretty funny, right?

Yes, dearheart. That’s hysterical. In general, I can’t stand most sports … but honestly, I’m kind of a fan of volleyball. This here is a real man’s sport. The object is simple: grab your four or five favorite dudes from the local circle jerk and put on your silky smooth uniforms, consisting of brightly colored short-shorts and tees (the kind that hug your skin fashionably, while being able to equally reflect the sunlight as your hair glistens with manly odorous sweat).

Both teams are separated by see-through netting, which is similar to the intricate patterns of hand-embroidered lingerie. And then, the battle begins. That’s right, nothing girly or slightly homoerotic here! No sir, not one bit.

Just Friends.

Now, the rules are even simpler: launch a projectile back and forth across the net and making sure it doesn’t hit the ground on your side. As for this projectile, commonly referred to as a volleyball, it is one of the greatest iconic symbols of masculinity: the Portable Projecting Scrotum. (PPS for short.) That’s right, the server takes his PPS in his hand and then proceeds with an awesome punishing strike to send it flying over into enemy territory. (How many girly men are willing to trust their balls in the hands of strangers?)

But what is most fascinating about the game of masculine camaraderie, is each man is eager to assist in striking the scrotum, letting the sweat of their palms moisten it while tossing it up for other players to get a whack in.

What could be manlier? Knee socks.

So, my sincere doubter, remember that it takes a special kind of man to become an Adonis of the volleyball court. If you’re not macho enough, then perhaps you should just let pass your balls on to these ladies…


Do you need to know what the future holds, but your Magic 8-Ball is broken? Then send a question to jonathandefenestrates@gmail.com .

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