The Malthusian model is built on presumed failure. The assumption is that broad social programs will result in unchecked population growth, leading to inevitable disaster.

Paul! Take a lap! You can’t be napping back there! They’ll eat you alive!

… 

What? Ha! Your mouth moves faster than your brain, both of which are moving faster than your ass! Take another lap!

Anyway, this economics model has been the plaything of any number of doomsayers. Paul Ehrlich has based an entire career on “Malthusian dread”— 

Munson! The hell was that? You cannot arm tackle anyone with those breadstick arms! Get in front and wrap him up! Wrap! Him! Up! 

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Sweet Jesus. We are going to get killed next week. Munson! That’s not a tackle! That’s a fricking hug! What are you going to do next, tickle him? Christ! 

So… Paul Ehrlich. He kicked off a whole generation of doomsayers with his bestselling book “The Population Bomb,” which predicted a coming worldwide famine. Hang on… 

Jackson! Blue Eagle Heavy 48 Slant 6! That’s a slant 9! Slant 6! The fuck… 

Jackson! No! NO! Oh, for fuck’s sake… Jackson, bring it in. Bring it in… What the hell was that? Are you some sort of handstanding dyslexic? Slant 6. To the strong side. 

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No. Absolutely not. 

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No. It does matter. It does because if we’re not going off the playbook, we’re just playing sandlot. Get back on the field. 

… 

What? One more time, Jackson… uh-huh. You’re “joining the cheerleading squad?” You think that’s going to get you all kinds of scattered ass? Let me tell you something: you’re going to be spending a lot of time getting hoisted by very muscular and very gay classmates. Get back out there. 

… 

Sorry. 

Back to Ehrlich. His solution was equally as inept: spike the world’s water systems with sterilizing agents. This kind of patrician condescension edged very close to state-sponsored eugenics and basically told the world’s poor that they were destroying the world with their very existence — 

Jesus Christ. Here comes trouble… What? No. No, I did not. 

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Oh, earlier? Yeah, I did, Alphonse. 

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Sure. OK. Well, the “gay” thing might have stepped over the line. But tell me I’m wrong. 

… 

I meant “wrong” in “true/false statement” sort of way, Alphonse. Not “wrong” in a “violates several school policies” sort of way. Whatever. Admin knows where to find me. 

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Back on point: The trap of the Malthusian mindset is that it fails to account for two key issues: unintended consequences and the power of free thinkers operating in a free market. The first issue predicts the downward spiral of a welfare system but fails to account for small changes that can reverse this trend, like requiring job participation or educational advancement. 

Munson, keep running those laps. No. You can stop when I say “stop.” Until then, you and your parents signed a release form, so no amount of crying or vomiting or collapsing from heat stroke is going to get you out of this. Sack up, Munson. 

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I’m pretty sure that swelling around your temples is an allergic reaction. As is that gusher of a nosebleed. Just get a goddamn kleenex. Check with the trainer. 

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MUNSON!!! Jesus… Swear to god, I’m going to throw a skirt on that boy and send him to Alphonse. He tackles like a double-amputee. 

… 

So, we covered the law of unintended consequences… The second issue explains why there is no worldwide famine: advancements made by top scientists in the field of agriculture motivated purely by profit— 

Christ on a bicycle!!! Did you just injure yourself while sitting on the bench?? How in all that is… Never mind. Just… just sit there. I’ll get the nurse. How the fuck do you… 

0-11. I’m calling it now. Not a single win. I guess I’ll just work on my resume while the REST OF YOU ASSHATS RUN SOME LAPS! MOVE! Don’t look at me! Just go! 

… 

Until I get tired, asshat. Run. That is what’s called a stupid question, Jackson. Every answer I’ve got for you rhymes with “lap.” 

Christ. I’m so sorry about these interruptions. I thought this would go a bit smoother. Well, let me try to wrap this up before my washouts stumble into any more catastrophes… 

Malthus and his theories have pretty much been written off by major economists and he is usually only referred to by those sekking to alter laws or profit directly off panic situations. Sucks to be him. Nothing like having your name slapped all over something outdated and ignored. I’ll see you next week. I think we’ll take a run at the Keynesian school. 

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Raised on the works of Douglas Adams and P.J. O’Rourke and classically trained in the fine art of wordsmithery, Tim Cushing has carved himself out an incredibly small niche as a self-publishing blogger, flying free from the constraints of editorial oversight or a competent spellchecker. While classical training in the fine art of writing has eluded Tim to this point in his youngish life, it is hoped that a meteoric hailstorm of submissions will bludgeon down the doorway to minor notoriety. Visit him at his blog. www.capitalistliontamer.wordpress.com