Cow Farts Are Good For You

Sep 27th, 2010 | By | Category: Columns

I want to know what exactly is a vegan?

That’s a good question because there’s actually very little non-bias documentation of the vegan condition. I’ll admit it, whenever I hear the word “vegan,” I instinctively have happy thoughts of fluffy sheep and drumming circles and picnics and lesbian bookstores. And sweet potato fries …

But really, where the hell did these people come from? Now, I totally have a source who has done in depth research into the origin of veganism. (He also has a theory that the Korean War was engineered by a tribunal of sushi restaurant owners, but nobody’s perfect.) Anyway, it has been documented that the word “vegan” didn’t actually exist until 1944, when it was introduced by Donald Watson, a product of an English farming community. Apparently, Watson was really turned off by the brutality against animals within the farming community and therefore introduced his philosophy that if grass munchers (heh, heh) could make it, so could humans.

Vegan Superman Donald Watson prepares to unleash the powers of foliage.

*Side note: yes, I was a vegetarian for almost ten years and I still don’t eat beef. But as for poultry … well, if you cut off a chicken’s head, it’s still likely to run around for five minutes. Side note conclusion: chickens are vegetables that cluck.

Now, according to my source, Watson wasn’t the first. In fact, he had ties to a much larger organization, the Methyl Movement, which may or may not have been founded during the Industrial Revolution. As most people know, cows (Watson’s buddies) are notorious for producing methane. AND methane is one of those serious green house gases that is melting the polar ice caps. So, logically speaking, the Methyl Movement was totally a Doomsday Cult, bent on bring the apocalypse one cow fart at a time. I know – it’s totally devious. And we thought we had only the Tea Party to fear.

So, while Watson bears a decent reputation as an animal rights activist and philosopher, there is some discrepancy over his actual role within the Methyl Movement. Let us not forget the brief and preposterous Vegemite War of 1927, in which many slaughter house workers were found asphyxiated on hardened rice balls and other organic yummy ingredients. We even have the children’s animated series “Veggie Tales,” which is obvious vegan propaganda. But, because the facts are so buried, there’s really no way to know how deep the vegan roots really go to absurd animal domination.

But there is one incident to keep in mind. The British authorities did attempt one investigation into Watson and his league of vegans. Each of the undercover officers died under mysterious circumstances. Their autopsy reports (of which I’ve never seen, but totally know exist) had quoted an orange discoloration to the skin and eyes, each body containing what could only be described as a lethal amount of beta-carotene.

Again, history has seemed to misplace some of the details of these events, for Watson may or may not have been taken into custody and investigated for what the authorities cited as the “healthiest murders” outside London. But of course, no actual arrest was made. For each day of the overdoses, legions associated with Watson insisted he had been at their residences for carrot soup and tea.

Well, I guess when you have that many carrots anything is possible.

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