I TOTALLY care about the earth. I have an eco-house okay? I keep out
the riff-raff with super tall hedges maintained by using sustainable
gardening with native plant species, of course. My gardener wanted to
invade with some fabulous plant from his native land but it wasn’t
native to here so I told him no gracias and not to plant it where he
lives, either. His wife brought me some of that greasy food they eat
but I won’t let anything into my kitchen or body other than grass fed
earth best free-range garden of good eatin’ wild caught earthbound
farmers cage free before the fall organic new horizon sustainable
health valley recycled back to nature all natural food. Poor people?
Right on. They can get on their bike or the bus and ride down to the
farmers market just like everyone else does. If only they would stop
eating so much fast food. I personally invited the guy who makes my
all organic vitamin boosted fruit smoothie each morning to come to our
farmers market but he didn’t show. They could go and make their own
little community garden. Those people just don’t want to be healthy.
Let’s have a proposition mandating that all people must shop at
farmers markets or no food stamps for them. My SUV totally blends
right into the earth. It enables me to be one with nature to drive
right up into and next to and even on top of nature. I wish my kids’
nanny would stop riding that emissions spewing bus. I keep telling
her to take green public transport only (and learning a little more
English wouldn’t hurt her either). It’s okay if she’s a few minutes
late every once in a while as long as she takes clean vehicles. Did I
tell you that my fleece matches the earth, too? Have you seen my cute
new shoes? They’re made with 100% recycled tires. Poor people? You
mean like Che? I’m totally down with Che. Haven’t you seen my 100%
organic cruel free cotton t-shirt. So cute. Check out my sweat shop
free jeans made with 100% organic cotton that’s been recycled from
garbage and they were only like $189. Do they make me look fat? Poor
who? I’m saving the earth here all right? I have important things to
do. I’m green okay? I don’t have time for you know. My pool at the
country club (it’s a green country club by the way) is all natural
100% natural chlorine. Fund public education? I can’t do that because
I am giving all of my education ducats to our local green
multicultural private school. It has solar panels you know and they
compost like everything. And I sure as hell am NOT going to pay
twice. Poor people? Well, are they multicultural? Do they recycle? My
new surf board is made from 100% organic plastic made in this
community factory in China. The sweet workers don’t even need health
care because those people there are so amazing that they have
multicultural healing powers like native healers. They’re totally
self-sufficient. I wish I could be like that. It’s so cool.
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Rachel has taken a break from teaching to write and to attempt to rule her three unruly children. Born and raised in Washington, D.C., she currently lives in Oakland, California. She posts, mostly essays, to her blog http://rantsravesandrecollections.blogspot.com a few times a month. Rachel was very tempted, but not quite brave enough, to let Defenestration make up a bio for her.