“California Greenwashin’,” by Rachel Levy

Apr 20th, 2009 | By | Category: Poetry

I TOTALLY care about the earth. I have an eco-house okay? I keep out

the riff-raff with super tall hedges maintained by using sustainable

gardening with native plant species, of course. My gardener wanted to

invade with some fabulous plant from his native land but it wasn’t

native to here so I told him no gracias and not to plant it where he

lives, either. His wife brought me some of that greasy food they eat

but I won’t let anything into my kitchen or body other than grass fed

earth best free-range garden of good eatin’ wild caught earthbound

farmers cage free before the fall organic new horizon sustainable

health valley recycled back to nature all natural food. Poor people?

Right on. They can get on their bike or the bus and ride down to the

farmers market just like everyone else does. If only they would stop

eating so much fast food. I personally invited the guy who makes my

all organic vitamin boosted fruit smoothie each morning to come to our

farmers market but he didn’t show. They could go and make their own

little community garden. Those people just don’t want to be healthy.

Let’s have a proposition mandating that all people must shop at

farmers markets or no food stamps for them. My SUV totally blends

right into the earth. It enables me to be one with nature to drive

right up into and next to and even on top of nature. I wish my kids’

nanny would stop riding that emissions spewing bus. I keep telling

her to take green public transport only (and learning a little more

English wouldn’t hurt her either). It’s okay if she’s a few minutes

late every once in a while as long as she takes clean vehicles. Did I

tell you that my fleece matches the earth, too? Have you seen my cute

new shoes? They’re made with 100% recycled tires. Poor people? You

mean like Che? I’m totally down with Che. Haven’t you seen my 100%

organic cruel free cotton t-shirt. So cute. Check out my sweat shop

free jeans made with 100% organic cotton that’s been recycled from

garbage and they were only like $189. Do they make me look fat? Poor

who? I’m saving the earth here all right? I have important things to

do. I’m green okay? I don’t have time for you know. My pool at the

country club (it’s a green country club by the way) is all natural

100% natural chlorine. Fund public education? I can’t do that because

I am giving all of my education ducats to our local green

multicultural private school. It has solar panels you know and they

compost like everything. And I sure as hell am NOT going to pay

twice. Poor people? Well, are they multicultural? Do they recycle? My

new surf board is made from 100% organic plastic made in this

community factory in China. The sweet workers don’t even need health

care because those people there are so amazing that they have

multicultural healing powers like native healers. They’re totally

self-sufficient. I wish I could be like that. It’s so cool.




Rachel has taken a break from teaching to write and to attempt to rule her three unruly children. Born and raised in Washington, D.C., she currently lives in Oakland, California. She posts, mostly essays, to her blog http://rantsravesandrecollections.blogspot.com a few times a month. Rachel was very tempted, but not quite brave enough, to let Defenestration make up a bio for her.

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