Ron Perlman

Apr 20th, 2004 | By | Category: Columns

Everyone, this is my new boyfriend, Ron Perlman.

You all might know him from Beauty and the Beast, in which he wore a ton of makeup.

You might know him from the recent Hellboy, in which he wore a ton of makeup. Red this time.

Maybe you’re a Star Trek fan? He was in Nemesis. The makeup: grey and bumpy.

Or perhaps you have seen City of Lost Children, or Alien: Resurrection, or Happy, Texas. (If you do not remember him, that’s all right. He wasn’t wearing makeup. It gets confusing. Although in Alien he was covered in alien slime a lot. That counts.)

In any case, he has always been superfly, and now I have a phrase that expresses how deeply I feel for this makeup-loving man.

That phrase is, “I hope you have a good cleanser.”

No, seriously. I have been a longtime fan. I even sat through about four episodes of that hilarious show.

Let me explain. Beauty and the Beast was a vehicle for Linda Hamilton to showcase 80s business attire and stand on her HUGE New York balcony a lot. Ron’s job was to act like he was a half man, half lion rescued by a Renaissance scholar who lived in the sewers with all his buddies. My sides are already splitting! But wait; he saves her from a mugging, and then for three seasons they wonder if they can be together every time they are together, which is, oh, about 40% of any given episode. A relationship that smothering? Knee-slapper!

It wasn’t meant to be a comedy, I found out later. But there was a Ren Faire. Underground. Party all the time! Mead for everyone!

Luckily, Ron survived because no one could match up his mug shot with that Celine Dion montage of a show. He got a chance to be the forgotten actor time and time again!

Well, no longer!

Ron Perlman is the star of the new Hellboy, which all of you are contractually obligated to see. (For any questions about the contract you signed, see Andrew.) However, it’s not a hardship, because Ron Perlman is in it. And man, is he having fun!

Only in Alien did I ever see Ron Perlman obviously having a good time. In Hellboy, he is having a good time for two hours. Two HOURS of Ron Perlman having a blast. Nachos are a plot point. So are pancakes. And kittens. What’s not to love?

A word of warning. This movie has no plot. There’s Nazis and a big thing with Rasputin (don’t even ask) and four or five times I turned to Andrew as if he could somehow, miraculously, explain what was going on. But he always had a face full of Cadbury and couldn’t answer.

How deeply confusing is this movie? Observe:

Even Bear has to resort to literature to figure out what the hell was going on in that movie, with little success. Luckily, Hellboy gets a position teaching in the school. Whew!

Ron Perlman, if you see this, please explain the thing with the guy in the mask, please. Thanks.

In any case, from what I could see, the plot is this.

Nazis use Rasputin to try to open a portal to hell and bring about Armageddon. Why? Apparently the Nazis wanted to be annihilated anyway? Also, what’s the fun of ruling over a rotting ball of charcoal even IF you survive Armageddon?

Well, I digress. The point is, Hellboy comes out of the portal, an adorable little red monkey, and is adopted by a kind older man and taken to the Ren Faire underground, and…

…wait…

…no, no, I’m right.

Ron Perlman, if you see this, please have your agent call me. Thanks.

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Genevieve is a prolific writer of speculative fiction living¬†in New York, but you’ll never find her there because millions of people live there and Genevieve likes her privacy. Examples of her fiction can be found in Strange Horizons, Fantasy Magazine, Federations, and numerous other magazines and anthologies. Her first novel is forthcoming in 2011. Also? She has terrible taste in movies.

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