An open to letter to current college students everywhere,
It has come to our attention that this year ushered in the upcoming Class of 2020, which means that the average college freshmen was born in 1998. To many of you, this seems like a trivial fact with no relevance to anything. But to those of us who graduated high school in 1998, who are meandering through our mid-thirties and already changed our life plans a dozen times, to this we think, “Holy crap, let the mayhem begin.”
We here at the Defenestration Inner Council want to let you youngins know that we believe you are unique individuals with so much potential ahead of you. Alas, as we discovered ourselves, the world does not agree. Prepare to be categorized and labeled (oftentimes inappropriately) for the rest of your lives!
And to help prepare you for this harsh truth, we’re going to break down your first sign of individuality: your college major and let you know what is most likely your future … except for Nancy. Nancy, you know who you are and that we’re rooting for you!
Claims they are a super taster, but he/she is really just a picky eater. Dreams of being in a rock band.
Lists “the Civil War” and “the Aliens franchise” as interests on their Ok Cupid account. Likes to get into heated debates with strangers at bars.
Only shops at Urban Outfitters. Can play almost every Radiohead song on the ukulele and keeps telling people, “Hot yoga changed my life.”
Every conversation about work begins with, “Back in my nonprofit days…”
Hopeless romantic who has their psychic listed on speed-dial as “Dearheart”.
Grossed out classmates by making the fetal pig dance.
Always inviting you to their improv show. Has no problem peeing in the shower.
Knows this guy, who knows this girl, whose cousin can get you really good weed. Also has a pet guinea pig named Morrissey.
Had one internship for every three college courses. Career barista at Starbucks and makes a pretty mean bourbon-infused triple-shot red-eye that will knock your socks off.
Bought a condo a year after graduation, but switches jobs every two years because of boredom. Has a habit of speaking in acronyms.
Is late to almost everything. Owes best friend a life-debt. You can ask them about anything, but not about that.
4thlevel half-elf cleric. Wisdom 17, Charisma 15. Gets killed by a hobgoblin warlord. Makes more money than the rest of us.
Has an old-school calculator handy at all times and corrects your grammar on Facebook. Gets stuck in an entry level position for years before suddenly becoming everyone’s boss.
Is brutally honest about the tiniest things. A huge fan of day-drinking.
Is the guest star of about ten different circle of friends. Publishes opinion pieces on the North Dakota pipeline under a pseudonym. Calls you up late at night “just to chat.”
Slept with the enemy before betraying both sides. Also has a mean little laugh that sounds like a six-year-old with smoker’s cough.
Has an entire dresser drawer dedicated to bow ties. Keeps asking friends if they want to participate in their new business venture. Borrowed $100 from you once. Won’t return phone calls.
Works three jobs and has an incredible work ethic. Writes sexy Downton Abbey fan fiction and has one good bottle of scotch that’s being saved for the “right” occasion.
Worked as a mall security guard all through college. Gun enthusiast who is always trying to bait friends into a debate over gun control. Never realizes they have food stuck in their teeth.
Hospitality and Restaurant Management
Is constantly bumming cigarettes from strangers.
Has a framed picture of Francine Smith and Roger in their work space. Keeps old laptop hard drives in a safety deposit box.
Only watches foreign films with subtitles. Keeps a copy of The Economist on the coffee table, on the night stand and on the back of the toilet. Hates pancakes.
Has mastered the art of batting their eyes innocently when they desperately want to tell you how they really feel. Uses an exercise ball instead of a desk chair. Really likes headbands.
Took you out to see a Lars von Trier film. Claimed the book was better. (There was no book.)
No second date.
Every restaurant in a 5-mile radius knows their order and has their favorite drink ready. Is prone to saying things like, “I cannot get sick right now!”
Is constantly being reminded to use their “inside” voice. Has to go to a wedding, like, every freaking weekend.
Claims they hate gossip. Loves to gossip. Still has an archaic VHS player so they can watch their old high school marching band performances.
Usually the peacemaker in every circle of friends. Also the one most likely to fight the mugger … and win.
“Dude, the experience that destroys innocence leads one back to it,” they said, chugging their PBR in their Abercrombie & Fitch hoodie sweatshirt.
“Oh my god. Who still wears Abercrombie & Fitch?”
Nancy. Nancy is still the best!
Super competitive and also owns a pair of iGlasses.
Has a habit of always running into that one person they’ve known and hated for thirty years while suffering through some horrible dinner out with acquaintances they also hate.
Did shrooms once as a teenager and still brags about the experience.
Every October, runs their fingers delicately over their winter coats and whispers, “Soon, my precious. Soon.”
Always has an opinion on your interior design choices and the economic-ethnic diversity of your neighborhood. Constantly talks about wanting to move to Portland. Borrowed your umbrella once. Did not return it.
Likes to wear thick-rimmed glasses and scarves in every season. Has a bad online shopping habit and keeps track of all things personal in an Excel spreadsheet. Parents are currently driving cross country in an RV.
Spent a year teaching English in Prague in order to find themselves.
Never answers texts in a timely fashion but shows up early to every single event. Gets real annoyed when you try to speak to them while they’re reading. Wants you to tell Nancy they said “hi.”