Are children getting dumber or am I getting smarter?

I may not be the best person to answer this. Last time I had a babysitting job, I was almost inspired to start a career directing snuff films.

And let’s face it, kids are really fucking stupid. They spend the first few years of their life trying to find all sorts of resourceful ways to kill themselves. Scissors naturally go into light sockets, everything under the sink is tasty and getting into the van with dude in the clown costume always means a fun time. Remember the Voltron toys? Voltron rocked, but apparently in the 80’s they were poisoning kids with lead-based paint. I can’t speak for everyone else, but I was too busy playing with them, not sucking on them. The worst thing I did was try to fit the yellow lion up my butt – and if anything, that helped me in the long-run. Anyway, those that survive the first few years of life simply morph into larger and even dumber children. They’re cruel but still pitiful. A nasty kid calls me an asswipe and I call him a broken condom and he just doesn’t get it.

So, of course we’re getting smarter – we’re capable of better come backs and ordering drinks that actually have alcohol in them. But still, as smart as we are, for some strange reason we keep doing one stupid thing: having more children. I am under the impression that children do serve one essential purpose: organ harvesting.

My friends see an unruly child running around unattended in a grocery store but I see an opportunity: two healthy kidneys each worth 50K. Or a new set of lungs that will allow me to pick up smoking again guilt-free. But, even suggesting this literally scares our child-loving culture. Consider this, I was at a wedding for a friend of mine and I was determined to do everything I could to ensure I wouldn’t be invited to another. (I had already publicly questioned the bride’s decision to wear white.) So, we’re at the reception and I’ve been all over that open bar like a pack of hounds on a three-legged cat, and up comes this dude who is taking a bet as to when the happy couple will welcome the first darling baby into the world. I said, “Eight months,” dryly and the guy’s mouth fell open. So, then I added, “Well, with the way she’s drinking, maybe not.” Only then do I find out that the poll-taker happens to be the bride’s older brother. Well, in this case, who should really feel dumber?

My boyfriend is obsessed with World of Warcraft! What do I do?

Throw something at him. And hope he fails his reflex savings throw.

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Jonathan’s fiction has been published in Velvet Mafia and the anthologies Homewrecker: An Adultery Reader as well as Wilde Stories 2008; he has been nominated for a Pushcart Prize and will be graduating from the MFA Program at American University in May 2010.