Okay. Veronica Mars.
If you are a hipster, a geek, a dork, a cheerleader, a guy who wants to nail a cheerleader, or someone on Livejournal, you’re watching Veronica Mars.
But really, you should stop.
I know they put out a big campaign to make you watch, out of guilt – GOOD TV WILL VANISH UNLESS YOU WATCH UPN GO NOW NOW NOW ALSO TELL FIVE FRIENDS AND MAKE THEM WATCH TOO OR A NIGERIAN PRINCE WILL DIE.
But have you actually watched the show?
It is no good. Veronica Mars is a Mary Sue – a tiny, feisty, blonde whose friends are all men (except the dead one, who was a girl) and who is the nexus of interest for every one of said men, who apparently have nothing to do but wait around for her to “solve cases” by making them do her favors that could get them in a lot of trouble while she heads to the studio to record her inane voiceovers.
The men in love with her are culled from every demographic UPN is wooing, including the nice guy, the best friend, the rich asshole, the head of the biker gang, the sheriff, and (unfortunately and unintentionally) her dad.
Whoopsie.
However, Logan is on this show. HI LOGAN HI HI. (Jason Dohring is the next Russed Nortcrowe. Mark my words.) He’s an amazing actor who did so much with a one-note part that they were forced to write him more sympathetically. Also, he’s my boyfriend. (Just kidding, Hellboy. Call me!)
With this notable exception (HI LOGAN HI HI), this show is:
Poorly cast. Lilly Kane displays four times the charisma of Kristen Bell, and that’s when Lilly Kane is DEAD ALREADY.
Poorly directed. Just because you own a crane doesn’t mean you have to use it three times an episode.
Poorly written.
“Oh, Genevieve!” you cry. “Surely not!”
Really? Which episode of Veronica Mars is this?
“Veronica Mars must solve the mystery of [contrived high school crime] that not only involves [guest star] but will pit her against [one of the five guys in love with her] and bring her a step closer to [selfish and boring vendetta].”
No. Really. Which one?
Here, I’ll give you a hint.
“While using her smarts (for she is smart, smarter than all of us, and by “smart” I mean “inexplicably equipped with so much spy gear that James Bond has to borrow from her”), Veronica stumbles upon [supporting character]’s dark secret, which forces her to voice-over endlessly about how she’s not popular anymore, as she stares vacantly at the popular table [HI LOGAN HI HI]. Will her astute observation that [huge logic leap] help her solve the case?”
Figure it out yet?
It’s okay. I can wait. I know you have to go through a lot of footage.
As a human being, this show offends me. Veronica is a selfish manipulator with only enough intelligence to delegate, which makes her a good candidate for assistant manager at a Blockbuster, but a poor choice for the centerpiece of a show. Plus, the show has constant paroxysms trying to make sure the audience understands She Is Lovable and Wonderful. I actually expect Rob Thomas to show up on my doorstep with a big list of reasons Veronica is Great written in pink highlighter on a legal pad.
I would like to take this opportunity to introduce Rob Thomas to my boyfriend, Hellboy.
However, as a tireless talent scout, Jason Dohring rings every bell I have. And some of Eileen’s bells that I borrowed so he could ring them. Therefore, I will be watching this show like I watched the last two seasons of Buffy, where I was on AnyaWatch and just muted the scenes she wasn’t in. HI LOGAN HI HI.
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Genevieve is a prolific writer of speculative fiction living in New York, but you’ll never find her there because millions of people live there and Genevieve likes her privacy. Examples of her fiction can be found in Strange Horizons, Fantasy Magazine, Federations, and numerous other magazines and anthologies. Her first novel is forthcoming in 2011. Also? She has terrible taste in movies.