Now that E.L. James is incredibly rich from her Fifty Shades of Grey series this is what we have to do:

Get in our cars, drive to my ex-boyfriend’s house and steal back my Wii.

Or, we all need to hunker down, write our own erotica novels and get that sweet cash money!

Need some help? Don’t worry, my pervy pet! I’m here to guide you on how to write the next porny bestseller you mom, grandmother and fifth grade lady teacher can’t wait to read! Let’s carresingly travel down into the bowels of pornography that all the gals will love!*

• First:

Know your audience. Easy (like your heroine)! Your audience is straight women who like straight sexing. Everyone else can go bust a nut somewhere else.

• Second:

You need a plot. This is the hardest (aw yeah!) part. I suggest stealing, I mean “becoming inspired by outside creative forces.” So: fanfiction, a porny “revisionist” look at a classic novel such as Anna Karenina, The Happy Return (“Horatio knew whose horn he wanted to blow, and his name was Sir Arthur Wellesley” Oh, sorry, scratch that, this is just for straight sexing!), or a box of Keebler Elves cookies. You can even go to your local art museum and find something your inspiration will get a RISE out of. (I suggest going to the section with portraits of historical figures. Those old dead people were probably FREAKS in the bedroom!)

• Third:

A title. This tells your audience (straight women who like straight sexing) what your book will be all about. For instance, Fifty Shades of Grey conveys the message of “wait, what?” while something like The Story of O informs the audience that they are going to learn about the scintillating and sizzling history of the best vowel in the alphabet. (That’s what that book is about, right? My Scientologist Auditor won’t let me read it :( ).

• Fourth:

Once you’ve got your title (Candace and the Keebler Elves of Sin), your plot and a box of wine, you are ready to write your trillion dollar best-seller! Here are some lines I just wrote on a bathroom stall that you can totally borrow!:

They banged all day and all night, until their genitals were like raw cauliflower.

“I plan on sexing you. And sexing you good.”

Her breasts were the circumference of magnificent medicine balls.

His eyes were like two pools of greasy rainwater.

Keebler Khan, ruler of the Elf Elite stared down at Candace from his impossibly high throne. Candace licked her lips and arched her back, both were nervous ticks that were totally natural and not something she had seen in Maxim magazine.

It’s important to remember that the plot should solely circle around your two main characters. That means you, as a writer, need to show the budding relationship between the two by exposing the inner-workings of their minds and hearts, through expressive language such as “hot,” “sexy, ” “hard,” “hot,” “gorgeous,” “too good-looking,” “so good-looking,” “hot,” and “tongued.” Repeat all these words at least one thousand times. In each paragraph.

• Fifth

Now that your tome of erotic greatness is complete, you polish that sucker up and send it out to agents! They probably won’t want it though, so be sure to have a back up plan: publish it on your Tumblr, Facebook page, Livejournal, Blogspot, or the Refrigerator At Your Workplace. Join Twitter and follow everyone you possibly can and spam constantly about your book (@Wendys Have I got a hot beef injection for you! “Candace and the Keebler Elves of Sin” on sale now!).

Tie this all in by self-publishing your novel and arguing with commenters on amazon.com and goodreads.com when they point out misspellings, grammatical errors or that “there is no way Candace can put her legs that far behind her head, even if they ARE in space.”

When you go to conventions, make sure you dress up extravagantly and fabulously. You have to have a theme. So, if your book is a steampunk western erotic romance, make sure you wear a corset and a parasol (NOTHING ELSE, PC POLICE BE DAMNED). Also, when you’re lucky enough to give a reading at the local library parking lot, make sure you have a variety of voices for all of your characters. This isn’t strange, and no one will call the police when you gesticulate the thrusts and moans of your protagonists. Promise!

• Sixth

Revel in your new found riches! Ignore the bad reviews and mockery. Spend your days sipping tea and scrolling through gossip websites, picking your leading man and lady for your billion dollar film deal. Blog and twitter constant updates about the movie, down to the brand of donuts served at the crafts service table and how they made you constipated for six days.

Then you buy me a new Wii.

———-

Eileen’s mom can’t wait to read your upcoming erotica novel!