Book Vomit: Cleanup on Aisle Seven

Mar 7th, 2011 | By | Category: Columns

With Borders being closed, one has to wonder “Where will I get my book-fix?” Sure, there is Barnes & Nobles, which promises to offer five-thousand different copies of Anna Karinina (ooo, do I want the Classic Series, the Mid-Classic Series or the Semi-Classic Series?!), or, which is known for wonderful “How To” guides, but I want somewhere local, someplace where I can pick up a gallon of milk and a beach ball.

Welcome to your local supermarket! Where all your fiction needs can be met! Just check out this rad selection:

Hell yes! This is all I need: “General Interest” “Romance,” “Romance,” “Romance” and “New Releases” none of this “genre” crap. This lady needs to get home and nuke her man a meal! It is so great that books at the supermarket are just geared towards the womens, because that is where we ladies spend most of our time (other than the NAIL SALON, WOOOOOO!). I mean, if this were a place of gender equality, they’d have to add a “Propane and Drills” section for men, and I am totally NOT into that, duh! (Unless I am inebriated and am watching “The Bachelor.” My poor television.)

So, here were my excellent choices!

The You I Never Knew by Susan Wiggs
Where There’s Smoke by Sandra Brown

Plot: A hot young woman is completely ostracized by the people in her small town or big city. Someone might be ill and she will have to care for them while making personal sacrifices that leave her even more destitute and alone. A lot of the chapters will feature her being emotionally downtrodden by her family and friends because they think she sucks. Her struggles lead her into a hate-love attraction with Some Dude who is handsome and intriguing but in Real Life would probably be a Jerk From The Realm of the Highest Order and is probably jokingly referred to as “The STD Factory” by his friends.

In the end, the hot young woman is rewarded for all her hard work by ending up with this man for the rest of her live-long days.

Decision: I love this, so uplifting! But why do I feel the need to go to the cutlery section and see if they have any steak knives?

The Killing Edge by Heather Graham
The Bride Collector by Ted Dekker
Swimsuit by James Patterson

Plot: A hot young woman is trying to solve a sadistic crime(s) committed by a serial killer who is terrorizing the sleepy town she lives in which hopefully is by the beach so she is in her swimsuit a lot (or the serial killer KILLS ladies in their swimsuits. Regardless, we need some female underwear or swimsuits in this). She runs into a sensual and dangerous, sexy, but single cop/private investigator/mailman who helps her (out of her PANTS, ZING), until the climax (ding!) in which she is captured by said serial killer but is rescued at the very end by finding out that the serial killer is her brother/father/cousin/dog-trainer or he is secretly in love with her and connects with her over her Dark Past and therefore forgets to properly fasten the lock on her cage in his Serial Killer Basement so she is able to get away and he dies by falling down on his Serial Killer Weapon in his Serial Killer Basement and isn’t that Always Just The Way?

Decision: This is great! Especially since I will be able to pick up some sleeping pills to evade the night terrors I will have after reading these!

Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen
Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens

Plot: The Old Days were super hard dude. Also, people were crazy and had mental disorders not caused by Chatroulette or Glenn Beck. In this story a lot of people are mean and hit each other and abuse animals and cough and die young, because it’s The Old Days your mom and dad warned you about. Things were much simpler and people could focus on misery and utilize dialogue that is very difficult to understand. You are going to read this and realize you live the life of a Sultan-King while you sit regally on your IKEA sofa spraying Cheese Whiz into your mouth because this is the Modern Century.

Decision: I am going to go to the pharmacy and ask if I can get some penicillin to rub all over myself. Then I will see if they will sell me an inflatable bubble I can live in.

Road Atlas by AAA

Plot: Yup, this is totally a symbol. You are lost, moron. Do you really want to read “How To Tempt A Duke’s Seductive Rake?” or “Husband, I Will Give You Mine Kidney?”

Decision: Go home and join Paperback Swap. Dumbass.


Eileen is really beginning to regret not buying “Husband, I will Give You Mine Kidney.”


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