This List!: What I’d Like To Read In 2011

Feb 8th, 2011 | By | Category: Columns

Last month, I discussed what I would not like to read in the (relatively) new year. This month, I’d like to share the books I’m most looking forward to reading in 2011, that are totally not imaginary. Look for them in a bookstore totally not near you!

Why I’m Gross by Roman Polanski, Foreword by Jack Nicholson

In a searing tell-all, Roman Polanski reveals the secret behind him being an ass: dark wizardry.

What is never explained: The disaster that was “The Ninth Gate.”

Mr. Polanksi details his secret strike spells in "Why I'm Gross."

Men of Period Piece Films by Emma Thompson

This book is the perfect centerpiece for your coffee table, as well as conversations with your lady friends (or guys who look like ladies). Who wouldn’t want to lick the waistcoat of Timothy Dalton or feel up Keanu Reeves wig? Presented by Emma Thompson in her sauciest prose, this is a delightful book with some even more delightful euphemisms! Take your tea with extra sugar, because by the end of this book, you will have a serious case of dry mouth.

Little Boy Blue by Cormac Mcarthy

Boy Blue rides out into the Mexican frontier in search of The Magical Pistol. Armed with steely resolve and dialogue without quotations marks, Boy Blue meets many friends along the way, before he ends up killing them for sleeping with his prostitute mother. Suitable for ages 4-12.

Hunt for the Raspberry Barbarian by Strawberry Shortcake

Beautiful and intelligent Blueberry Muffin returns to Strawberryland after her failed marriage to real estate mogul Nutella Ned. Heart-broken but still fiery, Blueberry Muffin finds solace with her friends Strawberry Shortcake and Huckleberry Pie. But something is different in Strawberryland, something sinister, and Blueberry Muffin is soon caught in a web of intrigue and seduction. Pitted against The Peculiar Purple Pieman and the evil Lord Cherry Picker, Blueberry Muffin has no choice but to join forces with the mysterious, yet deadly, yet sexy Raspberry Barbarian. But will the fruits of her labor soon produce fruits of love?

Will Blueberry Muffin be able to tame the Raspberry Barbarian? Also, is there a draft?

The Big Book of Jokes by Margaret Atwood and Joyce Carol Oates

Margaret Atwood and J. Oates, aren’t just literary paragons, but hilarious jokemeisters! Check this one out: “What do you call a woman who is always ready for a bone? Elizabeth Blackwell!”

These two are so funny; you’ll quickly forget that we will one day be under the thumb of a misogynist theocratic-organized country. Or Canada.

The History of Death Metal by Julie Andrews

Songbird Julie Andrews delves deep into the history of this EXTREME(!!!!!) subgenre of heavy metal. With interviews from Possessed to Morbid Angel, Andrews shows Maria Von Trapp loves a good death-grind. Special editions of the book will feature a free MP3 download of Andrews’ duet of “Chim Chim Cher-ee” with the band Death.

Pit of Despair: How to be Successful in the Workforce by Michel Foucault

Are the voles of hell gnawing at your soul? Do you feel as if you are on the ship of fools? Have any respect for the French? (Be honest.) Well, Foucault’s masterful self-help book promises to point out all the things that are wrong in your life, without any idea on how to fix it!

This will probably not be a bestseller…

In the Year of Our Space Pope (2011), Eileen would like to not read anything to do with fangs. Unless Margaret Atwood writes a sequel to “Hairball.” Cuz that shiz was awesome.

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