Dear Ireland,

I am sorry.

I am sorry that so many people these days claim they are Irish—on their great-great-grandmother’s side. Frankly, that’s annoying.

But most of all I am sorry after so many many years, American films still portray you as a backwoods buffoon full of leprechauns who gnaw on cornbeef and chug Shamrock Shakes.

Therefore, I suggest you take the film Leap Year to court for defamation of character. Below please find a list of grievances you may find useful:

GRIEVANCE 1 LEAP YEAR AS IRISH LEGEND

The film is actually based on the Bollywood film Jab We Met, which I have never seen but know is much better than this film. In Leap Year, Anna (played by Amy Adams) is desperate to marry her boyfriend because the plot says so. John Lithgow, still hungover from 3rd Rock From the Sun, plays her dad and rambles on about how her grandparents married because of the “Irish Legend” of leap year. This consists of when a woman “can” ask her boyfriend to marry her and he has to accept. Anna swiftly looks this up on the internet, and when she sees a video of said Leap Day Proposal (the woman has red hair, ‘natch), she decides this is The Best Idea and Romantic, instead of Stupid and Women’s Suffrage Was Pointless Cuz We Still Party Like It’s 1889.

Debunked by Snopes, the idea of a woman having to propose to her boyfriend on leap year in Ireland is pretty lame, especially when the legend supposedly started with Saint Brigid. That’s right, while Saint Brigid was helping lepers, she still took the time to think of a way for self-involved, whiny and narcisstic women like Anna to take a stand and ask their cardboard boyfriend to marry them in 1950—I mean—2010. This was definitely on Saint Brigid’s mind when she begged her father to let her join the nunnery!

GRIEVANCE 2 THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TRANSPORTATION

Or a reliable car, or train, or ANYTHING that can get Anna from the “terrors” of Dingle to Dublin. Let’s see…Dingle..well, there’s Kerry Airport, Cork Airport, Bus Éireann service, Diarmuid and Delores Begley taxi service, Killarney and Tralee train stations, general rental car services, etc. etc. But then again these logical options wouldn’t give Declan the chance to woo Anna with his jerk-face attitude. And it makes much more sense for Anna and Declan to walk 122 miles (give or take) from Dingle to Tipperary. Wow, the screenwriters sure did a good job of avoiding a map of Ireland. Or a bus schedule. Oscar contender!

GRIEVANCE 3 A BRITISH ACTOR PLAYING AN IRISHMAN

Was Colin Firth and his eyebrows busy? Was Jonathan Rhys-Myers getting arrested at another airport? Was Cillian Murphy otherwise engaged in a creepy movie? Stuart Townsend? Aidan Turner? Padraic Delaney? Or any of the millions of other Irish actors out there? Sure Matthew Goode is dreamy, but that fades when he pronounces “Boston” like a braying sheep. If you’re going to have some dude fuck up an Irish accent, have Richard Gere do it.

GRIEVANCE 4 IRELAND DOES NOT HAVE THE INTERNET OR CELL PHONES

People in Ireland are too busy talking about superstitions and memorizing proverbs to get with the technical age. In fact, Ireland is so behind the times, Anna shuts off the entire electrical structure of Dingle by just plugging in her Blackberry. Silly Americans and their high-falutin gadgetry!

GRIEVANCE 4 THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A SUPERMARKET

The only thing refreshing about this film (other than the rum I doused my movie Coke with), is the fact that Declan can cook, which actually goes against the general stereotype of the Irish foraging on a meal of potatoes with a side of potatoes. However, this tidbit is negated when, instead of going to a supermarket (and really, how could they when there is no such thing as reliable transportation), Declan and Anna go to the backyard and magically find everything they need to cook a delicious meal! You see, in Ireland, everything comes from the LAND, including a variety of spices, such as Bullshit and the rare pepper Whathehell.

GRIEVANCE 5 IRELAND IS PRACTICALLY EMPTY

Ireland is so vast! And green! And everyone is a farmer so cities like Dublin are practically empty! Except if there is a wedding and then everyone is there, including a traditional Irish band like The Brombies, who will play traditional Irish music because that is what Irish people like at Irish weddings because they want to Riverdance!

For confirmation, here is a picture on the right of PRACTICALLY EMPTY IRELAND:

I am so glad there are not a lot of people in this picture obstructing my view of this adorable little country!

GRIEVANCE 6 PEOPLE FROM IRELAND ARE SHUT INS

Every character (except the leads) were either 1) old 2) senile (or old) 3) spouting off Irish Sayings from “The Irish Sayings Calendar, Now with Even MORE Quaintness!”

But one of the most shocking things in this film (other than the fact that it was made), is when Anna walks into Declan’s bar and his patrons don’t know she’s from America. Sure, you can show Ireland as a land frozen in time (1930s to 1940s), where everyone wears woolen caps and says “Top of the Morning!”; where you can’t share a bed with someone unless you’re married; where you can take a fishing boat from Wales to Ireland; where it’s bad luck to go anywhere any day of the week; where a pervy old couple will tell you to make out with the guy you are disgustedly attracted to because that will further the weak plot and the kiss will supposedly make up for him treating you like crap because he is SO dreamy; where train stations sans parking lot are situated in large fields near ancient castles and it is assumed that the train comes by once a week; where the guy who is supposedly in love with you will just stand idly by while you get robbed, but later will get you kicked out of a bar after he fights to get your stuff back and then heroically blames you; and where one of the top tourist towns in the country has only one inn where klutzy things happen!

But you know what? Every Irish person, great and small, has learned from a very young age the sound of an American’s voice, and to duck and cover, because that means there is an idiotic and insulting romantic comedy about their country in the works.

Pog mo thoin, Anand Tucker.

———-

Eileen has a Master’s Degree in Professional Writing and Editing from George Mason University. Frequent target of fallen angels, Eileen hides from their seductive wrath in the hallowed confines of Defenestration HQ, where she hopes to erect a wall of words between herself and the forces of evil.