The Adventures of Porny Bear

Aug 20th, 2007 | By | Category: Columns


Recently I have been reading Pamela Paula’s Pornified, a book that argues that heterosexual porn is destroying friendships, family and male to female relationships. Paul writes that straight men who watch pornography lose interest and a  ability to connect emotionally and physically with their female partners.

An intriguing concept. And if Paula’s argument were true what would be the consequences? What would happen to future generations if these factors were true. I decided to write it out . Children’s book style.

Porny Bear
By Eileen

By Andrew

Once upon a time there was a boy named Billy. Billy was a good and handsome boy, raised in the cheese filled fields of Wisconsin.

But Billy, unlike other boys, had a secret. His father was Luther Libido, the most feared mad scientist in all of dairy land! Billy was often used as a test subject for his father’s experiments. Luther Libido fondly called him Guinea Pig.

One day, a week after Billy had turned thirteen, Luther Libido gave him a belated birthday present: Porny Bear, an amazing construct of high tech wizardry that fed a variety of HDTV quality porn through Porny Bear’s Cuddly Wuddly Tummy Scope.

Billy was enraptured. He barely slept or ate, and no longer tried to cop a feel from Sissy Sue (she was a notorious bedwetter anyways). He lost all interest in his dog Pavlov and no longer found joy in catching lobsters by the seaside (Wisconsin doesn’t have a sea) and putting them in boiling pots of water so he could hear them scream. Billy was no longer a regular boy!

But his father, Luther Libido was ecstatic! “Finally!” he stated after a long bout of evil laughter which all evildoers must complete before explaining his/her master plan. “I have found the tool to enslave all of mankind!”

Luther Libido quickly liquidated his 401k. However, the US had recently lost a big game of poker to China so it had already been confiscated by the government. Luther Libido was slightly sidetracked for a few years collecting cans, mowing lawns and robbing banks.

After a time he had enough money to invest in Porny Bears, and soon they were in every living room, bedroom, dining room and newly remodeled breakfast nook. The world grew silent. Children no longer played outside, teenagers stopped updating Myspace and parents halted in their art of loving condescension.

But Luther Libido was not as successful as he had hoped. In fact, Luther Libido failed to realize that the porn he had installed in each and every Porny Bear only appealed to the straight male demographic. And what with every straight man’s addiction to Porny Bear, they had all lost interest with Real Women, failing to continue to help procreate the human race.

“NO!” he cried when he had realized his error. “I should have realized that ‘Slut Bomb 7: Seven Wonders All Over Susie’s Face’ would only appeal to straight men!”

But it was too late. Specifically fifty years. Most of the straight male population had died out, still cuddled up to their Porny Bear to the end (causes of death: old age, heart attack, malnutrition and/or untreated hand sores).

After Luther Libido’s discovery, he quickly keeled over and died, whispering the name of his already dearly departed son, Guinea Pig.

So Luther Libido did not end the world, but he created a new and better one: A world full of puppies and ponies, rainbows and ray guns. And of women and gay men, who redecorated every home, saved every kitten from every tree and replaced Sunday not as the Day of Rest, but as a Day of Facials. Perhaps the human race would cease to exist, but at least everyone would die with clear pores.



Frequent target of fallen angels, Eileen hides from their seductive wrath in the hallowed confines of Defenestration HQ, where she hopes to erect a wall of words between herself and the forces of evil.

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