After attempting to burn off my retinas after my recent bout of bad anime, I decided I would just have to suck it up and continue on my journey. Or buy more lighter fluid.
Made in 1993, Ninja Scroll is about ninjas, but the scroll, like good taste, never makes an appearance. To be quite honest, I’ve always preferred samurais over ninjas (as they have swords, and what woman can turn down an accessory?), however I was willing to give this anime a chance. I was, however, unwilling to watch a movie that features The Most Disturbing Thing Ever, a title previously ascribed to Woody Allen.
First, some background. Jubei is a wandering ninja who possesses incredible skill and an exposed chest. Kagero is a beautiful, but deadly ninja girl. Their paths cross after Kagero’s ninja team is killed off by a stone man. Kagero, like all beautiful women, is kidnapped by the stone man and he takes her to his lair where he proceeds to expose her breasts, hold her upside down and lick her with his crusty brown tongue. Is this the Most Disturbing Thing Ever? Oh you wish, Woody Allen.
Jubei appears, chest and sword ablaze. He and stone man fight while Kagero and her boobs lie helplessly on the floor. I thought she was a ninja? The monster dies, and Kagero escapes before Jubei and she exchange harsh words. Hmm, attractive half-naked main characters engaged in immediate dislike for each other? They are so going to get it on!
Foreplay!
After the stone fight, Jubei strips down to his thong underwear and takes a dip in the river. Suddenly a naked lady with snake tattoos and boobs appears poised on a rock. Jubei is somewhat enraptured. Sure he just saw Kagero’s boobs, but they were unwilling boobs. And who wants that? Well, Woody Allen, but I’ve reached my climax with that one (unlike any woman who has ever been with Woody Allen).
The naked lady’s snake tattoos come to life and one tries to bite Jubei. It turns out she was in league with the stone monster and escapes before Jubei can kill her. Later in the movie naked snake lady manages to sneak up on Jubei. Her snakes writhe and twist off her body and then one slithers out of her vagina. Okay, I understand creativity and being artistic and original and all but a vagina is not a desk drawer. I hope you’ve written this down.
Anyways, Jubei is bitten by the vagina snake. He then teams up with a magical monk who informs him that he is poisoned and without the antidote he will die. Bummer. Kagero also runs into the monk and they all form together to fight the evil Gemma, the man in charge of the monsters and also Jubei’s nemesis. I bet he’s a commie too. I just know it!
Other than memorable quotes such as “Call off your wasps!” Ninja Scroll is also full of classic moments. Such as when it is revealed that Kagero is not just a ninja girl with a great rack, but that this rack is full of poison. “She poisons every man she makes love to,” the monk tells Jubei. Well, it certainly explains why Kagero never gets a second date.
Jubei is not to be deterred. At one point Kagero, frustrated with their quest (or possibly her slut outfit) dares Jubei to have a go at her to see what will happen. Jubei acquiesces and grabs ninja girl, who quickly fends him off. What a daredevil Jubei is. I bet on his days off he hangs out at the smallpox ward picking up all the sexy ladies. Hell yeah.
And then, we come to The Most Disturbing Scene Ever. Kagero it seems is so beautiful she is kidnapped again. At this point I’m considering she should really hand in her ninja card, but the scene shifts to an unconscious Kagero tied up in a very strange way. She is standing on one leg with the other pulled up and bound to the level of her head. At first I figure it’s because this is how you tie up ninjas. But then a man appears with a substance on two thick fingers that sort of resembles Vaseline. Kagero wakes up just in time to see the man shove his fingers right up her home plate. Suddenly all over the world women pick up their phones and cancel their next day’s gynecologist appointment.
There’s also lots of guttural screaming and brow-beating: and I mean at one point Jubei is actually beating Gemma in the brow with his own face for a good five minutes. It’s like a Jean-Claude Van Damme film but less coherent.
What I learned from this anime: Is ninjaing so complex one cannot wear panties?
King Arthur, will you go out with me?
Fate/Stay night, like all my ex-boyfriends, starts out brilliantly before falling way below my desired expectations. Oh and Chad? Stop calling me. Thanks.
Fate/Stay night is about a group of magicians fighting for the Holy Grail. And when I write “magicians” I mean “wizards” because the “magicians” in this anime cast spells. Other than breaking more fantasy laws than Dungeons and Dragons, Fate/Stay night presents an interesting premise. Each “magician” along with his/her talent for casting spells is given a hero spirit, such as King Arthur, Hercules or Gilgamesh. Each hero spirit must engage in combat with other hero spirits and the winning hero and magician will be able to have any of his/her wishes granted by the Holy Grail. The anime itself is based on a “visual novel game” which loosely translates to: “Choose Your Own Adventure: With Porn!”
The main character of Fate/Stay night is Shiro, who is totally bishounen because all the girls in the series love him. His hobbies include being boring, having women fawn over him, and telling his servant who is the incarnation of King Arthur not to fight evil and save his sorry ass. That’s right, Shiro is lucky enough to have King Arthur as his hero spirit or servant. In an intriguing twist that is never fully-developed (unlike Major Motoko Kusangi) King Arthur is in the form of a young woman clad in platinum-like armor wielding a kick-ass invisible sword. After slicing and dicing her way around town, King Arthur (or Saber as she is nicknamed for no reason) is quickly admonished by Shiro for saving his life because *gasp* girls don’t fight! In fact, Shiro spends 15 of the 26 series episodes telling Saber not to fight. One would normally conclude that Shiro would have to be one powerful magician to tell his hero spirit not to engage in combat. You would be wrong. In fact, Shiro’s only ability is to change objects to a stronger consistency. Since when does a man deserve accolades when he can make something hard? Don’t answer that.
Logically, one would think an immortal spirit would smack Shiro bitch and tell him to shut the hell up. However, Saber begins to sport a schoolgirl uniform to please him while enjoying Shirou’s weak Ralph Kramden impressions. After wondering if she’s pretty enough for Shiro, King Arthur/Saber decides she is in love with Shiro. Because honestly, a 17-year-old boy and the magical molecules of King Arthur’s spirit? Totally compatible. Their love is so unique, in fact, they spend the remainder of the series yelling each other’s names, catching each other in various states of undress while leaving the shower and of course having sex because Saber has run out of magical power and needs to take from Shiro’s essence. Since when is having sex with a man comparable to charging a battery? Seriously Chad, don’t call me.
Basically there’s a lot of fighting, some angst, some discussion about Japanese food, some kidnapping €¦then Gilgamesh appears. Here is what the Gilgamesh from history looks like:
Historical Fodo
And here is what Gilgamesh looks like in Fate/Stay night:
Non-historical Fodo
So historically correct it amazes me! How did the creators of Fate/Stay night discover Gilgamesh was actually an 18-year old boy with spiky blond hair and red cat eyes who also frequents Club Eurotrash in his 24 karat gold armor?!
What I learned from this anime: “Shirrrrrroooooooooooooooooo!!!” “Sabberrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!” ”Shirroooooooooooooooooooo!!!” “Sabbberrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!”
After the gameboy extravaganza of Fate/Stay night, I turned my attention to Akira. Released in 1988, Akira is noted for bringing anime to the West, due to its state of the art graphics. Despite such classic status, I can barely think of anything to write about it except that there’s a lot of speeding around on bikes, things exploding, killer clowns, things exploding, a man-devouring blob, people exploding, and at the center of it all, Akira, a little mutant midget boy with crazy telekinetic powers. Then everybody dies. Or at least I hoped.
I don't even know...
What I learned from this anime: Truly, this is what the world looks like when you are addicted to meth.
And that’s it. I’d like to say my anime research was quite the informative experience, but instead I’m going to busy myself with finding more lighter fluid. Arigato Mr. Roboto!
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Eileen has hated enough anime to admit that there’s some good anime out there. Like Monster. So go watch it. Jerks.