After bringing to your attention The Worst Book in the World, I felt it fair, dear reader, to gently caress your noggin with tender textual kisses after such a severe beating (with a very wordy baseball bat).

Therefore, I present to you some glorious scans from what I can promise you is not a magazine I found in the trunk of some stranger’s car they forgot to lock in the back parking lot of Wendy’s. Was I fishing through the garbage bin for fries or just some soggy nickels to pay for my cab fare home? Who knows! Now enjoy:

Do I have it? As long as it's not crabs. Because yeah, then I do.

If you find yourself alone on Valentine's Day, don't lock your doors! Italian model Nico will simply unlock them with his pert nipples.

Pierce my nipples on Valentine's Day? But what shall I do to pass the time on Veteran's Day?

Do you think some hemorrhoid cream will clear that up? Yeah, me neither.

After seeing where their ad would be placed, Dr. Maryellen K. Strout & Gabriella Penzes were immediately upset. Isn't there just an "Out" in Gaydar? It's a shame Shawn Bausher's column would take away from the beautiful simplicity of "The Gay Newsies Review."

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Frequent target of fallen angels, Eileen hides from their seductive wrath in the hallowed confines of Defenestration HQ, where she hopes to erect a wall of words between herself and the forces of evil.