Welcome back! I presume you’re read part one.

So we’re on to the second episode. Cassie continues to go out walking around the castle despite the fact that there’s a murderous fallen angel following her around everywhere. Azazeal says more wise words of the day and leers a lot and Cassie is so confused she goes to see her mother in episode three. Her mother lives in a mental hospital and her name is Lilith. Wow, Hex really know how to bastardize the non-canonical gospels don’t they. It’s nice that they name the crazy woman who has no control over her life “Lilith.”

CASSIE: What does he want? What’s going to happen to me?
LILITH: I don’t know (Sex).
CASSIE: Mum you have to tell me.
LILITH: I don’t know (He’s going to have sex with you).
CASSIE: What does he want?
LILITH: Don’t fight him Cassie, you can’t win.
CASSIE: Please, tell me what he wants! (HE WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU. HOW CAN YOU DO SO WELL IN SCHOOL AND UNDERSTAND JOHN DONNE AND NOT FIGURE THIS ONE OUT!?)

Azazeal gets fed up with Cassie’s inability to find his pale countenance that hides the lumpy Jim Henson Creature Theater costume that is the epitome of evil appealing. So he goes ahead and possesses Cassie’s furry boyfriend Troy. Troy and Cassie Hex it up, and Cassie is infected. What a great metaphor for sexually transmitted diseases! Take that, Buffy!

Suddenly, no more neutral tones for Cassie! She dresses in revealing clothes and is flirting with everyone, including Azazeal. She even hires a demonic hair dresser, because all of a sudden her hair is piled all over her head in strange knotted configurations.

It’s a little depressing to say, but Possessed Cassie is more interesting then Regular Cassie (except for the hair, LORD the hair! At one point it’s like a dedication to Flock of Seagulls), and of course she’s a total whore. Because when you’re possessed you obviously want to have sex all the time, especially with the fallen angel that stabbed your best friend to death in front of you.

Cassie and Azazeal meet in a club full of dominatrix ladies and leather dudes. It’s supposedly Azazeal’s “new hangout” and he asks Cassie if she “likes it.” Dude, it’s better then you staring at her window crying all the time in the dark.

Anyways, all of a sudden Cassie finds Azazeal attractive. I guess she did all the time? I must have confused “revulsion” and “fear” to “he’s damn sexy!” Also, Azazeal? If you have to drug a woman to sleep with you, obviously all the oodles of women you supposedly keep around is just a smoke screen for some other faults.

Of course, all this character development doesn’t matter. What matters is a) The Rule of Photogenenic People and b) A to C Plot Points. Therefore, Azazeal and Cassie MUST get together, as the Rule of Photogenic People exists, as well as the point that Cassie has to carry demon spawn.

At the club, Azazeal is quick to hint that he had a “fun time” with Cassie’s mother. Cassie retorts with “Too much information,” to which he replies, “Don’t pretend it doesn’t excite you.”

Before you know it, Azazeal and Cassie are entwined in a passionate embrace! Then he throws her up against a row of lockers. But instead of saying “Bitch, why did you just throw me up against a row of lockers?!” Cassie is totally into it and they go upstairs and hex it up.

So Cassie has sex with a demon! I’ve never seen that before (Rosemary’s Baby, The Witching Hour, The Witches of Eastwick)!

And she’s pregnant! With a demonic child! And it will roam the earth! A demonic child roaming the earth? How original (Rosemary’s Baby, The Witching Hour, Son of Rosemary, The Devil’s Advocate, Point Pleasant, Lasher, Taltos, The Omen, Look What’s Happened to Rosemary’s Baby, )!

Cassie and deadlesbianfriend! Thelma soon learns that Cassie has to kill her demon child! I’ve certainly never seen that before (Rosemary’s Baby, Son of Rosemary, The Omen, Lasher).

The creative team working on Hex deserves a Peabody for their imaginative skills.

It’s Season Two! Enter Ella. Ella says such cool things as, “Yeah, why don’t you do that, slaphead,” and my own personal favorite, “Go suck your master’s dick.” Ella is a 500+ witch in the body of a 17 year old red head that looks like she works at Hot Topic. Ella is a badass and wears leather corsets over her shirts. Don’t mess with someone who wears their underwear over their clothing–they mean serious business. Ella’s lifelong goal is to make sure that Azazeal does not set forth demon spawn upon the earth, and will even resort to murder to make sure Azazeal’s goal is never attained. Finally a chick that is going to kick some butt!

In fact, it would have been better if Cassie had been completely replaced by Ella. Instead Ella is at the school pretending to be a student, and forms a bond with her roommate Thelma–and then Azazeal murders Thelma as a way to torture Ella. Then Ella slowly takes Thelma down the road she and Cassie originally took five hours and some odd minutes of my life to get to–with much more pizzazz and eyeliner than Cassie. Doesn’t that make more sense then the first season of moors and Azazeal staring and pale pale Cassie and Azazeal staring and high school students watching porn and Azazeal staring and Cassie trying to be popular and useless storylines that never go anywhere like Rachel McBain and her daughter and Azazeal saying “History repeats itself,” and Cassie’s witchy heritage and the ghost woman checking out the Egyptian hieroglyphics for two episodes and never coming back and Cassie’s mother and the magical vase and the voodoo and the little ghost girl trying to kill Cassie in that hallway the one time and did I mention Azazeal’s pointless staring?

Anyways. Ella has come to Medenham Hall to kill Cassie and Azazeal’s demonic child. Just as she’s at the church altar with baby and magical dagger in hand, Azazeal appears to talk Cassie into saving her child. Which she does. By running headfirst towards the blade and dying on the church floor. Azazeal then steps over her body and takes the child, telling Ella, “How little you know of life. How little you know of love.” Obviously The Matrix has taught Ella nothing!

So Cassie is dead. Awesome. Except I wish Thelma wasn’t so upset. She’s for some reason still stuck on earth. I’m sure there’s a reason for it–but look, more nipple shots!

Azazeal/Satan/Whatever, changes his location from staring mournfully at Cassie’s window to the S&M club to some church he’s decorated in red velvet. Oh Azazeal, a church? How iconoclastic of you!

He then goes about destroying Ella as she is his enemy and also the one who will try to kill his son (who is growing at a rapid rate). For three episodes in Season Two Azazeal tortures Ella’s mind and tries to drive her insane. She nearly dies six times and is pretty much incapacitated. But by the fourth episode of Season Two she’s all better! She’s ready to fight! She’s ready to take it to the streets! So what does she do? She BOXES. Because NOTHING prepares you more to fight fallen angels then a one-two punch like Rocky!

By this point Azazeal’s son is all grown up. His name is Malachi and he has coiffed hair. Ella should kill him now! But she can’t because he’s–incredibly good looking?

THELMA: Now you can relax and concentrate on Malachi. Five hundred years you must be itching to zap him!
ELLA: It’s going to take a bit of thinking.
THELMA: What’s to think about? There he is Messiah of the fallen angels–large as life and twice as ugly!
ELLA: Not exactly ugly.

So this 500+ year old witch, who has lived through torture and being nearly burned alive at the stake, can’t kill a dude because he’s dreamy? Wouldn’t her teenage hormones have run out by age 395?

The main issue with Hex is that it is not the “British Buffy” just for the fact that it doesn’t follow the feminist viewpoint Joss Whedon was so strongly for when it came to his characters. Both of the heroines of Hex, while incredibly powerful, both fall under the “spell” of men who are able to manipulate them. Women are in fact, constantly punished in Hex. While Cassie does sacrifice herself for her son, she would not have been on that road had it not been for her having sex with Azazeal. In one episode Ella is stricken with disgusting pustules all over her face as punishment from “The Higher Powers” due to her attraction to Malachi.

Then there is a secondary female character who, after having an affair with someone she believed was a priest (who in fact was one of Azazeal’s demons in disguise) commits herself to God. She becomes a pure soul–and is rewarded for her good deeds by being used as a living sacrifice for Malachi. This show was first aired in 2004, so why are women still being punished for wanting to do the horizontal tango?

And then Malachi takes over the school and everyone becomes his follower and the school explodes into flames and everybody hopefully dies except Thelma (as she’s already dead), Ella and Leon. Azazeal stares one more time at the mansion and then it’s over!

Yeah, it’s over.

What?

They might renew the series?

NO IT’S OVER OKAY?!

———-

Holy shit, who knew Michael Fassbender would become famous after watching this dump of a show?