SkyOne on Hex: “It’s the British Buffy!”

Genevieve on Hex: “STUPID FUCKING BITCH. IN THE HEXAGRAM. IN THE HEXEGRAM. YOU HAVE ONE JOB. ONE FUCKING JOB. DO YOU NEED ONE SYLLABLE WORDS? IN THE THING. STAY IN THE THING.”

BBC America is one of my favorite channels. Not only does it bring me the wonderful British bitchiness of What Not To Wear, it has also introduced me to many wonderful programs, such as Wire in The Blood, Wire in the Blood and my favorite, Wire in the Blood. Therefore I was quite excited when I saw advertisements for Hex, the “British Buffy.” Indeed it had been created quickly after Buffy had ended its successful stay on Sky One in England. As someone who had enjoyed Buffy up until Sarah Michelle Gellar began resembling a fence post in my backyard–I was excited to see what Hex had to offer.

If I had known what I was in for, I would have settled for studying the protruding cartilage in Sarah Michelle Gellar’s nose in Buffy season six.

Hex begins with a shot of a beautiful castle, Medenham Hall, which sits on a lovely green field. A woman in 18th century costume runs down the stairs, and begins to eavesdrop on a conversation between two well wigged men. They are both murmuring about “deaths” and “numerous.” How suspicious! One of the men catches the woman and asks what she is doing in the hallway. She explains she is needed in the kitchens, and scurries outside–obviously not to the kitchen–unless the kitchen is actually in a privy–and if that’s true then these people have a lot more to worry about then just “numerous” and “deaths”.

The 18th century woman (whose name is Rachel) enters the servants quarters, and I am shocked, shocked to see black people on the BBC! How far you’ve come BBC. How far you’ve come.

An old slave holds a vase over a sick child while he speaks in incantations. Rachel looks on, when suddenly a very hot black man walks up behind her, just as the old servant prepares to kill a chicken. Rachel turns away, not because she’s an animal activist, but because she wants to get her hex on with the hot black man. You go BBC!

Flash forward to “Today.” We meet Cassie. She’s beautiful, but shy–which translates to her wearing neutrals and being boring as hell. She says things like “Why?” and “I don’t understand.” and sometimes she tempestuously tosses her head and says “You don’t understand!” Oh, she’s so fiery!

Medenham Hall is now a school and Cassie is sitting in English class–which one can tell because the teacher is wearing a scarf. Cassie is gazing at popular boy Troy. Since I’ve already seen the whole series, I’d like to explain her attraction to him as them both having something similar in common–like a love of Yeats, or whatever young kids do these days, but it’s never mentioned. Instead Cassie stares at him lustfully throughout the two hour pilot, in what I’d like to call The Rule of Photogenic People. This is when two attractive people on screen are interested in each other not for common interests or goals–but because they are both two attractive people and don’t have huge nose pores for all those close ups. (Attractive people don’t have nose pores. Or butt cracks.)

However, there is a chink in Cassie’s daydream of Troyness. Her awesome roommate/friend Thelma. I affectionately call Thelma lesbianfriend! because in every piece of dialogue it is insinuated that Thelma, indeed, loves herself some bitches. Lesbianfriend! Thelma says such cool things like, “Women run the world. Men just shit in it.” and “Are you going to be a miserable cow all night?” However, Cassie is sometimes very mean to lesbianfriend!–and it is soon realized that lesbianfriend! Thelma has been blinded into love by Cassie’s woolen sweaters and strange crocheted hats.

Hex’s first season was supposedly a cult hit due to its frank depiction of young adults drinking alcohol, doing drugs and having sex. A scene that is an example of one of these traits is when a popular girl is spying in the boys’ locker room and spots Troy toweling off.

GEMMA: Now that is what I call an enchilada.

Yes, there’s nothing more complimentary then comparing a man’s package to cheese and ground beef.

Cassie looks on with melancholy–she wants Troy’s enchilada! But Troy’s Taco Bell isn’t interested in servicing her for 99 cents. Stressed out from Thelma’s unrequited love and plans for more beige cardigan ensembles, Cassie soon ends up in the old servant quarters smoking a cigarette. Suddenly, as if by accident (Or is it?!) she disrupts a board of wood at the bottom of the wall. Inside the hollowed out area she finds a cross with hair wrapped around it–a piece of wood with the name “Azazeal” carved on it and also a Voodoo Vase of Mystery.

Cassie cuts her finger on the sharp end of the Voodoo Vase of Mystery by accident (Or is it?!) and a drop of blood falls in it. Sadly the hot shirtless man does not appear with his enchilada.

Cassie then has a freaky dream that involves 18th century woman tied to a bed screeching and a girl hanging from a tree with her fingers all torn and then a bald woman floating in a lake with her head bloodied and shaven. Gross. I sort of want to return to the boring conversation about Troy and his churro. No wait, that was more disgusting.

Lesbianfriend! Thelma comforts Cassie in the hopes of copping a feel. Instead Cassie pretends to be okay and we go to the next scene. And the next scene. And the next. It’s all very boring with very pretty scenery which needs more ponies or perhaps a hot voodoo slave man. The hot voodoo slave man should call me (Or should he?!).

Another scene with Cassie in art class. Cassie presents her art work. She made a triptych and the teacher is impressed by her skills. He quickly asks, “What are you trying to say?” “That I need a shag!” guffaws popular boy Leon. Bravo, Leon. You’ve finally figured out what made Picasso tick.

Cassie then takes a shower so we can get a nipple shot. Oh and there’s whispers of “Azazeal” and then a bloody bald woman appears in the mirror and the mirror breaks and wooooo, nipple shot!

And then, another black man! And he’s the headmaster! WOW! That’s like, six black people in a half hour! You GO BBC!

And guess what, he knows all about the 18th century woman (Rachel) and the mysteries of voodoo! That’s crazy that he knows about the slaves and their voodoo–I bet it has nothing to do with the fact that he’s black. The headmaster tells Cassie all about Rachel McBain and how she learned about the religion of the African servants which nowadays people call “voodoo.” Rachel was a witch and supposedly sacrificed a young maid in order to summon “something” or “someone.” Cassie believes the headmaster because he’s black.

Cassie soon learns that she has powers like a witch too! She can move things with her mind, such as an iron, as if she were a lame 1950’s Jean Grey. Lesbianfriend! is concerned for Cassie, but still wants her hot bod. Thelma is even more disheartened when Cassie hangs out with the popular heterosexual crowd. At one point, Cassie goes to the local sound stage with disco lighting–which I’m told is a club–and again tries to insinuate herself into the cool kids group.

I am not interested in this. The cool kids are not interested in this.

However, Leon gets drunk enough to try and rape Cassie in a dark hallway but she has witchy powers now and manages to blow out the lights! And yet she can’t focus her powers to making Leon’s brain explode into tiny, tiny pieces of brain matter.

Cassie and her cardigan go for a walk, where she again hears the whispers of “Azazeal” and then a branch falls. Okay…

Cassie goes home and feels up the Voodoo Vase of Mystery and sees more visions, and this time there’s some creepy guy leaning over Rachel and kissing her. Okay…

Suddenly, Cassie comes face to face with Azazeal! He was the creepy guy! He’s also a fallen angel, which means I guess he’s like Angel but without the bloat in the third season of Buffy. Azazeal says things like “There’s nothing more natural than death,” and “Don’t expend your energy fighting me Cassie, you cannot win!” and my favorite, “In the end, desire is always greater than the consequences.”

For some reason, Cassie just can’t get up the nerve to march right up to this fallen angel and tell him that he’s way too pasty and he should leave her the hell alone. Instead she cowers and simpers while they use and reuse the same clips of him:

• Staring at her window
• Staring at her window in the dark
• Staring at her window in the dark and lighting a cigarette

Or for a change:

• Staring at Medenham Hall
• Staring at Medenham Hall from a Really Big Tree
• Staring at Medenham Hall from a Really Big Tree and walking away

At one point Azazeal is staring at Medenham Hall and two well placed Visine tears fall from his eyes. Perhaps the architecture makes him weep? What a pansy.

Anyways, lesbianfriend! goes missing after Cassie and lesbianfriend! have a big fight. I’m depressed, because Thelma is the only interesting person in this whole series. However she appears again! Yay! As a sacrifice for Azazeal! Buh?

“Let her go!” Cassie begs, tossing back her flaxen hair. Azazeal grins and explains that he needs a sacrifice. “I told you, Rachel’s sacrifice was a long time ago. I’m losing strength every day. It’s the only way.”

Cassie tries to trade places with Thelma, but lesbianfriend! jumps in front of Azazeal’s blade (a real blade, not his enchilada) and dies to save Cassie’s life.

Then Azazeal morphs into some sort of Klingon wearing a really bad wig. This is his “true form,” and as I look upon Azazeal’s bumpy countenance, I am of the opinion that he doesn’t need a human sacrifice–just some face lotion.

“You don’t understand yet,” Azazeal whispers as Cassie cries over Thelma’s dead body. “The sacrifice must be willing, must be a sacrifice in the true sense of the word.”

That’s not willing, that’s being tricked Azazeal. You and your stupid claymation face should know that.

But Thelma is not gone completely. She is, now, instead of lesbianfriend! deadlesbianfriend! as she returns as a ghost that only Cassie can see and talk to. Basically I just sat through two hours of the nonsensical nonsense that is this show so the writers could make Thelma into a wisecracking ghost.

(This is the perfect example of what I call A to C Plot Points. This is when a writer and/or writers are at a certain point in the story (point A) but want to get to another part of the story (point C). They therefore need to create a bridge/storyline that will allow them to get to the desired conclusion. This part is usually what makes absolutely no sense. Sort of like Azazeal’s “I need another human sacrifice to walk the world again even though I’m already doing it and don’t ask questions, just do what the script tells you” thing.)

I would have loved to be in on that meeting.

WRITER 1: You know what this show needs?
WRITER 2: More nipple shots?
WRITER 1: Yes! Also, ghosts!
WRITER 3: Like the movie High Spirits?!
WRITER 1: Yes! But more angsty and teenage like.
WRITER 2: Can ghosts have nipple shots?
WRITER 3: High Spirits was such a great movie
WRITER 2: How will we have a ghost?
WRITER 3: Peter O’ Toole is a fabulous actor.
WRITER 1: I dunno–some sort of sacrifice?
WRITER 3: He deserved more respect for his role in Supergirl. Critics can be so cruel.
WRITER 1: Can you shut up about Peter O’Toole please?
WRITER 2: A sacrifice is a great idea! Don’t they do sacrifices in Buffy?
WRITER 3: I think so!
WRITER 1: Great! We’ll have Azamando–
WRITER 2: Azazeal.
WRITER 1: Azazeal kill her!
WRITER 3: But why?
WRITER 1: I dunno. Just throw in some more shower scenes and people will forget to question it.
WRITER 3: You know what had shower scenes? High Spirits. Beverly D’Angelo is one prime piece if you know what I mean.
WRITER 1: I don’t. Now shut the hell up.

TO BE CONTINUED! BOM BOM BOM!

———-

Holy shit, who knew Michael Fassbender would be famous after watching this dump?