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KNOCKING ON HEAVEN'S DOOR |
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ARCHIVES
July 2005 Cow Poo: Because Genevieve Thinks That's Funny.
June 2005 The Power of Cruise Compels You!
May 2005 When Authors Attack: from the desk of Faeluver
April 2005 Love Hurts: Examining the Sequel
March 2005: I Can Be Clever. Camus?: How to Be an Intellectual
February 2005: Prince of Thighs: Forgotten Realms and a Little Skin
January 2005: Neil and Worship: Letters to Gaiman
December 2004 And Lo, She Heav'd: The Seedy Underbelly of Classic Literature
November 2004 Pants, Pants, Magic Pants!: Labyrinth Fan Fiction and Your Puberty Celebrity Rebuttal: Faeluver
October 2004 Where the Sun Don't Shine: A Vampire Study Celebrity Rebuttal: Anne Rice
September 2004 A Knocking on Heaven's Door
August 2004 A New Dawn Celebrity Rebuttal: That Guy's Mom
July 2004 Radiodead: A Very Special Correspondence Celebrity Rebuttal: Thom
June 2004 Lizsting to the Left: The Best Concert Ever
May 2004 Circular Logic: The Threat Revolving Doors Pose to All of Us Celebrity Rebuttal: Theopilus van Kannel, Inventor of the Revolving Door
Celebrity Rebuttal: Hellboy
March 2004 Lord of the Bling: How Hip-Hop is Changing Fashion One Velour Ass at a Time Celebrity Rebuttal: P. Diddy's Jewelry Bitch
February 2004 Velveeta Wrestling: Why Gay Marriage Should Be Legal Celebrity Rebuttal: GOD
January 2004 The Magic Flute: Why V.C. Andrews is Rolling in Her Grave Celebrity Rebuttal: V.C. Andrews, Deceased
December 2003 Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover: Why Men Cheat, Exposed!! Celebrity Rebuttal: Eileen's Ex-Boyfriend
November 2003 'Wuthering Ho'": A review of MTV's Wuthering Heights Celebrity Rebuttal: Hugh Hefner
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There is nothing wrong with staying home on a Friday night. Nothing. Or else, I thought there was nothing wrong with
staying home on a Friday night. But MASSPIRG thinks otherwise. MASSPIRG, for those of you who are reading this article
(all three of you!), is a public (cliquish) interest (force feeding) research
(militant) group (group). Basically they love trees, hate tobacco, and want to
harass me at 9:30 on a Friday night. I felt more defiled then a 14 year old suffering from the
after effects of having sex with his schoolteacher. Wait wait, Andrew just told
me that’s incorrect. He says every fourteen year old boy wants to nail his
schoolteacher. And also that Debra Beasley Lafave is totally hot and if he was
fourteen he’d bend her… Andrew that’s disgusting! Shoo. God I can’t type an article in this office in peace can
I? Okay where was I? I was so angry at MASSPIRG’s soiling of my pride, that I
decided, like an elderly couple, to force feed you a massive array of invisible
pictures that tell this horror story. Because words cannot express my anguish.
Therefore I will use the art of “photo”.
With words.
PLEASE NOTE: For those with modems (like Genevieve, who is sitting weeping in the corner), Genevieve has installed captions that painstakingly describe the mood of each photo. Scroll over them to get the flavor of the discussion, and to find out what Eileen thinks about hippies. *****
There I was, relaxed and serene, a night made for love and excitement, but more importantly, a huge ass carton of Friendly’s ice cream with my name on it. Nothing could be more wonderful.
Until
a knock on my door
bade me step away from an enlightening bit of television. If only I had known that a hellhound waited to grasp me (and my wallet) in his sharp naily clutches. (Genevieve's
Note: Please note that his world is sunny and stupid. Because we are ARTISTS.)
“Hi
there. My name’s Matt and I’m from MASSPIRG, an organization dedicated to a
cleaner energy future. We at
MASSPIRG believe in the awareness of society. Which means smoking is bad.
Because small Inuit children are forced from their frozen igloos into a life of
slaving away in the North Carolina tobacco farms. We at MASSPIRG have no real
proof of this, except that one episode we all saw of Walker, Texas Ranger.
However we’re not just believers in the environment, but that Chuck Norris is
an actor not just a martial arts star with a tight Levis ass. “
…
“MASSPIRG
isn’t just about the environment, we’re about community. Therefore the
subway system has to be revamped. Sure those little golden tokens are cool, but
prices are too high and my friend Jane almost choked on a token one time when we
were playing hackie sack out in Boston Common. It was wicked scary.”
SNOOOOOOOORRRRRREEEEEEEEEEE
“Which
makes MASSPIRG even more important because we’re about change—not the token
kind but the ‘bring about a difference’ kind. Did you know that Automakers
have the technology to make cars that use less gasoline and emit far less
pollution? But they don’t use it! Dude what’s with that? The government
should promote clean cars (vote for Kerry)”
“What did you just say?”
"Uh…nothing…" “The
point of the matter is that people need to take a stand. We need to finalize the
smog and soot pollution issue, preserve public land, reduce toxins, campaign for
hazardous waste cleanup, save the endangered Wapiti, an elk the government only wants you
to think is extinct, because—“ “How much do you want?”
“I
want you to become a member for 20 bucks a month.”
“No.” “Okay,
one donation of 25 dollars.”
“No.”
“Well,
have you thought about the issues of our environment?”
“It’s
9:30 on a Friday night. No I have not thought about the issues.”
“Doesn’t
look like you have anything better to do.”
TEAR
“Actually
I was about to go out.” (you ass monkey)
“Oh
yeah?” (commie bitch)
“Yeah.” (you couldn’t get laid even if you paid a
prostitute)
“Going
to go party?”
“Yeah.” (uh…you Birkenstock wearing stupid face!)
“Well
these issues are much more important then partying.”
“Oh,
I think partying is a very important issue. I take it incredibly
seriously.”
“Well
here, take a pamphlet.”
“Thanks, I’ll be sure to read it at the bar.”
“Have
a good night!” (fuck you)
“You
too!” (fuck you) Can you
believe that? Wapiti elk my ass! Now where’d I put that ice cream…
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(c) Defenestration Magazine, 2005
