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Karl Marx once famously said, “Religion is the opiate of the masses”. And as many of has have so recently witnessed, Tom Cruise is very high on opium.

But as we all must realize, movie stars are really just other versions of ourselves. Wealthier, thinner, botoxed versions of ourselves—but versions of ourselves nonetheless. Therefore I present you with this quiz to better determine what Tom’s religious devotion says about you!

Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Jenna Elfman and Isaac Hayes have one thing in common. They are all:

a) Famous for some reason that is beyond our mortal reasoning.

b) Richer then you. You gobshite.

c) Scientologists.

Scientology is:

a) a religion founded by Lafayette Ronald Hubbard.

b) Isn’t Ron L. Hubbard the same guy that wrote that Sci-Fi book Battlefield Earth, which also became a car crash of a movie starring John Travolta?

c) Richer then you. You gobshite.

Scientology is also:

a) Copyrighted. Oops.

b) WTF?

c) Scientology^®.

Some facts of Scientology are:

a) To help the world and its people combat crime, mental and physical illness, warfare and drug addiction. This is called becoming “clear”.

b) Famous religious leaders like Jesus and Buddha are believed to be slightly above “clear”. However Zarathushtra is overcast while Muhammad is partly cloudy with a chance of showers.

c) To ascribe to being clear like the refreshing taste of Smirnoff Light with half the calories of Smirnoff and other malt beverages.

Scientology isn’t a religion because :

a) Scientologists believe in past lives and aliens. A small history of Scientology also contains the story of Xenu, a vast ruler who brought billions of people to Earth, stacked them around volcanoes, and blew them up with hydrogen bombs.

b) Real religions don’t follow ridiculous rituals. Body of Christ?

c) I love Xena!

I am so happy for Katie Holmes because:

a) she has embraced Scientology just as she has embraced becoming Tom’s sub.

b) Now that she’s on camera so much she might actually brush her hair.

c) The Dawson’s Creek Reunion Show will never happen. Scientologists don’t believe in cults.

Tom Cruise was right to tell Brooke Shields to not take anti-depressants because

a) He plays a doctor on TV.

b) Brooke Shields was once married to Andre Agassi—obviously she doesn’t have a good head on her shoulders.

c) The answer to postpartum depression is delicious, candy coated Skittles.

Scientologist critics

a) Have no fashion sense. What’s with the iron on slogan shirts? Picket lines SO lack style.

b) Bring up the death of Lisa McPherson as an argument for Scientology as being a dangerous cult.

c) Make Tom angry! Tom SMASH!!

Tom Cruise irritates me because:

a) He won’t shut the fuck up about Scientology.

b) He’s short and has horse teeth.

c) He won’t shut the fuck up about Scientology.

Scroll down to find out what Tom’s religion says about you!

Come on, you can scroll faster than that!

Come on, work that mouse, work it!

You're not worthy of Tom's love, just like that bitch Nicole!

Ahhhhhh, we have reached Paradise! Be sure to give Scientology 20% of your winnings. Don’t worry, we’ll get more into that later.

If you picked mostly A’s you are:

A) Tom Cruise. Boyish and charming, you make up for your short stature with elevator shoes and a religion that hides your thinly failed homosexuality.

If you picked mostly B’s you are:

B) Katie Holmes. Innocent and pure you look upon each day as if it is the first. Like the most beautiful of vestal virgins, you will find yourself in the embrace of God’s love as your fellow parishioners pitch you into the sacrificial fire. Heavenly!

If you picked C’s you are:

C) John Travolta. I’m so sorry. I really am. Hey, Look Who’s Talking was pretty funny.