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Love is a beautiful thing. So are men. And two men in love while giving each other back massages while I take pictures is a very very beautiful thing. It should happen more frequently!

Okay, I admit, I want gay marriage to be allowed into the Massachusetts Constitution for my own selfish needs. Gay men are just hot. Hell, straight, bisexual or gay men who are willing to take off their shirts, grease themselves up in fat free margarine and wrestle in a pool of Velveeta is nothing but music to my ears! And money in my pocket as I sell tickets to the show…

And lesbians? Fabulous! We need more of them, because that leaves more men for me. And the more desperate they are for a chick, the more willing they are to wrestle, bathe together and bake cakes half naked while rubbing flour off each other for my own enjoyment—and theirs of course! I’m all about equality. That’s what makes our country great.

Maybe people don’t feel the same way I do. I’ve gathered that by reading a few articles here and there. Since Massachusetts is my home, I’ve actually been hit with it so frequently I actually had to go out and get an opinion on the whole gay marriage topic. And when I have to get off my couch to go get an opinion, I get really cranky.

So a lot of people are saying they are against gay marriage. They don’t want it in the Massachusetts Constitution. They think homosexuality is “wrong”, yet they bring up no justification to back up this supposedly great argument. A popular statement is, “I feel homosexuality is wrong, that’s not a phobia, it’s an opinion”. Hmmm, well I’m sure those who quake in their boots when they see a big ol’ spider don’t think, “Wow, I have a phobia!” Nope, they think: “DIE SPIDER, DIE!”

A lot of people also say, “in the Bible it says homosexuality is wrong”. Uh-huh. I forgot that the Bible was so informative, I must have gotten caught up in all the stories about floods and burnings and stabbings and bloodlettings. But we should all do what the Bible tells us. Homosexuality is wrong. Believing in other gods except the one true God is wrong.

However, incest is good. It’s a great way to propagate our species. I mean, obviously Adam and Eve banged out Cain and Abel and their twin sisters so they could populate this great world of ours. That makes a lot more sense then that bogus evolution theory. It also explains the emergence of the Irish.

Then there is “think of the children”. Yes, lets think of the children who live with two gay parents. Those poor souls, garnering all that love, affection and doting. How they suffer! Much more then say homeless children, or kids riddled with cancer, or starving 10 year-olds in North Korea, forced to eat scraps while falling into prostitution or violent death. Who cares about them? We have gay people destroying our children here!

So freaky-deaky-what if gay marriage is legalized. Our society isn’t going to nosedive! Many are clamoring, frightened of what “horrors” that could come next, explaining, “If same sex marriage is allowed, what next, polygamy?”

I can only hope. Hey, if it’s good for King David, why isn’t it good for us? Jeez, people who read the Bible just can’t make up their minds! Besides, a spouse is like a potato chip: You can’s have just one. Imagine the delicious possibilities! The great tax breaks and fun sleepovers with all your husbands or wives! I say, bring on the downslide if it gets me closer to never having to attach myself to one boring man. I’d rather have five boring men, damn it. That’s my American dream!

Even President Bush has jumped on that bigot bandwagon. He recently said he was “troubled” by same sex weddings. This makes me try to picture how “troubled” he looked, as Bush, while adorable in a stuffed animal kind of way, has the appearance of a man more troubled with having a bowel movement than same sex marriage.

Others bring up the fact that they want to “preserve” marriage, and keep it safe, by having it between a man and woman. Because marriage is sacred, and has been so since it has existed. I mean, if gay people are permitted to marry, they might commit adultery, abuse one another verbally and physically, or even kill each other! And we all know that when men and women get married, none of that ever happens.

It surprises me to no end how America is so homophobic. Sure it’s okay to watch “Will and Grace” and giggle when those silly gay men act all “girly”…and it’s great to flip on “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” and take up some fashion tips, or sneak a peak at the new cable show “The L Word”. But gay people want to get married? Hey! Gay people are only allowed to make me laugh and give out helpful fashion tips, not to be treated like human beings!

What is even more surprising is the fact that America, while incredibly fearful of anything “gay” that can't be packaged into a late night show, America is home to the greatest homoerotic sport EVER. That’s right, football!

Every time I turn on this “sport” I see the following things:

Spandex
Pats on the ass
The constant writhing pile of guys wriggling on top of each other as they try to get the magical “ball”.

Please. It’s okay for guys to take a big steamy communal shower together but not for two people to exchange vows of commitment and love?

America seriously needs to check its bigotry at the door. A lot of people have brought up some valid points about how minorities were treated as less then human for countless years under a government that promised all people equality. A lot of people are saying this is different, that it isn’t a matter of race, or keeping a gender down. And they are right. This isn’t about any of that, it’s about this: Church and State are separate. Yeah, put that in your close-minded pipes and smoke it.

You can throw around your Bible talk all you like, you can recite “Under God” from the pledge of allegiance while forgoing the whole “indivisible with justice FOR ALL”, but what you’re really doing is hiding behind your own fears. Which makes you a phobic, just like that person scared of the wittle spider.

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CELEBRITY REBUTTAL: GOD

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LO, FOR I HAVE LOOKED OUT UPON THE LAND OF MY PEOPLE, AND I SEE THAT THE MEN AND WOMEN OF MANY COUNTRIES LAMENT. "LORD," THEY CRY UNTO ME, "WE ARE WELL-DRESSED PROFESSIONALS WHO SHARE A HOME WITH A LHASA APSO THESE TEN YEARS, AND ARE TRYING TO ADOPT A GIRL FROM KOREA. WHEN, OH LORD, WHEN IS OUR LOVE ENOUGH TO BE MARRIED IN YOUR SIGHT?"

WELL, IN MY SIGHT THEY ALREADY ARE. SO KISSETH MY ASS, LAND OF MY PEOPLE. GIVE THEM A FUCKING WEDDING, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

SO SPAKE HE WHO IS CALLED "I AM."