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Neil and Worship |
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ARCHIVES
July 2005 Cow Poo: Because Genevieve Thinks That's Funny.
June 2005 The Power of Cruise Compels You!
May 2005 When Authors Attack: from the desk of Faeluver
April 2005 Love Hurts: Examining the Sequel
March 2005: I Can Be Clever. Camus?: How to Be an Intellectual
February 2005: Prince of Thighs: Forgotten Realms and a Little Skin
January 2005: Neil and Worship: Letters to Gaiman
December 2004 And Lo, She Heav'd: The Seedy Underbelly of Classic Literature
November 2004 Pants, Pants, Magic Pants!: Labyrinth Fan Fiction and Your Puberty Celebrity Rebuttal: Faeluver
October 2004 Where the Sun Don't Shine: A Vampire Study Celebrity Rebuttal: Anne Rice
September 2004 A Knocking on Heaven's Door
August 2004 A New Dawn Celebrity Rebuttal: That Guy's Mom
July 2004 Radiodead: A Very Special Correspondence Celebrity Rebuttal: Thom
June 2004 Lizsting to the Left: The Best Concert Ever
May 2004 Circular Logic: The Threat Revolving Doors Pose to All of Us Celebrity Rebuttal: Theopilus van Kannel, Inventor of the Revolving Door
Celebrity Rebuttal: Hellboy
March 2004 Lord of the Bling: How Hip-Hop is Changing Fashion One Velour Ass at a Time Celebrity Rebuttal: P. Diddy's Jewelry Bitch
February 2004 Velveeta Wrestling: Why Gay Marriage Should Be Legal Celebrity Rebuttal: GOD
January 2004 The Magic Flute: Why V.C. Andrews is Rolling in Her Grave Celebrity Rebuttal: V.C. Andrews, Deceased
December 2003 Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover: Why Men Cheat, Exposed!! Celebrity Rebuttal: Eileen's Ex-Boyfriend
November 2003 'Wuthering Ho'": A review of MTV's Wuthering Heights Celebrity Rebuttal: Hugh Hefner |
My Author is an awesome Author. He is the one true Author. His name is Neil Gaiman. We worship Neil as the creator of all things dark
and mythical. Maybe Angela Carter started it, but she rarely writes sex scenes
and she uses big words. So we have turned our worship to the more accessible
Author. Also the One who does not Require Yon Dictionary.
There are those who refuse to turn into His light.
Their heretical words, their speeches about Gaiman’s writing turning hackneyed
after Sandman and Neverwhere, their rebuff towards his faction, we who would
follow Him to the ends of the earth, much like Shabtai Tsvihe’s loyal
followers (except that pesky cliff got in the way and everyone went splat). We of the Gaiman faith must find these
non-believers, fight for their hearts—and if they are not given freely then we
must take these hearts—and spear them upon sharp pointy sticks, crusade style.
As it is written, so it shall be. As
David, King of Israel once said, “the fear of the Gaiman is the beginning of
knowledge. Shall not thee purchase Coraline?” Therefore
I present my letters, my psalms to Neil and the parish of all things Gaiman. Oh
great, oh holy, oh British lover of all things crumpety.
Thank heavens Eileen rescued this book from the accidental auto-incineration of her Neil Gaiman shrine!
Dear Neil, I was re-reading a biography I have of you. It’s a little
torn because I like to sleep with it on cold lonely nights—anyways I was
thinking about the fact that you live in Minnesota. That brings up an important
literary question for you: Do you think that Mr. and Mrs. Walsh should have moved to
Beverley Hills 90210? I know you’re not a “native”, but I’m sure you
have some insight into why Brenda became such a bitch. Dear Neil, Today I picked up American
Gods. My delight became short winded, however as the schmuck behind the book
counter started reaming in on how you were just overblown and you “ripped off
other writers.” He pounced on the much-loved Smoke and Mirrors and said, “It’s shameful! There are about 5000
references to HP Lovecraft in that book. Not counting the reviewers!” I leaned in, not to let the reverence of Neil Gaiman be
shut out by this pompous twit. “I’ll have you know,” I hissed. “He only references
Lovecraft 399 times!” I’d do anything for you, Neil Neil, A lot of writers just aren’t as personable as you. You
have your online journal, your friendly interviews, conventions
(Marvel press conference, Hawaii Writer’s Conference, Inkwell.vue, WLA, Big Lots grand opening in Rapid City North
Dakota) I love how you mingle with the lower classes. Are you sure
you’re British?
Neil, They say simplicity is best, and you prove it ten-fold!
Take your main character in American Gods
who is only the shadow of the man he once was. You name him Shadow! That is so
brilliant! Now I can focus on the real excitement in the book. Descriptions of
the American Midwest!!!! You’re the best.
Dear Neil, Wow. Wow! WOW! I just finished American Gods and what a ride! All I can say is Mad Sweeney is totally awesome! A seven foot tall leprechaun who doesn’t drink Guinness
but prefers Southern Comfort and Coke?! That is so original! Is Mad Sweeney also
more akin to snowboarding then making shoes? Neil you really break the mold when it comes to reinventing
mythology. You raise the question “why don’t more people respect Irish
culture?”, especially when naming
a giant leprechaun after an insane seventh century king who lived the remainder
of his life naked in treetops. I totally think you should have had a Banshee in American
Gods. Except instead of representing the triple aspects of the Celtic
goddess of war and death, she’d be the lead singer of the heavy metal Goth
band The Wailers. Cool! Neil, I’m re-reading Stardust
because I misplaced the Sunday comics (that Garfield sure loves lasagna!). My favorite passage so far is, “Through the gap in the
wall can be seen a large green meadow; beyond the meadow, a stream; and beyond
the stream there are trees.” Redundancy is important in writing a young adult
novel, as those in the age rage of 13-16 are exceptionally slow-witted. Also, thank you for the graphic sex scene on page 38. Kids
gotta learn sometime, right? Dear Neil, I discovered something momentously disturbing. There are no
“I hate Neil Gaiman” websites! What the hell?! As an American I know that
ones popularity is only equal to how many people want to disembowel you and use
your skin as a lampshade. People hate Anne Rice, people hate Clive Barker and people
hate Stephen King. Are you not good enough to be hated? Neil I will give you the worship you so deserve! I will
begin immediately in constructing my own “I hate Neil Gaiman” webpage, so
that you are once and for all vaulted to the idol status of all those lesser
writers. It is my duty, Neil. And
now, Oh Gaiman of Portchester, let your word take the infidels to Worldcon 2010,
where they will buy many things, even MirrorMask..
CELEBRITY REBUTTAL: DAVID, KING OF ISRAEL ____________________
Surely this Gaiman, this man of the Britannia Isles is as great as I, King David! I, who settled in Judah, who tried to rule from Jebus, but was halted in my crusade from those damn jabber jaw Jebusites. I conquered with my might and muscle. And also my lovely tenor voice because also I'm a musician you know. I'm not all hulk and brawn. I have feelings. Didn't you kids ever read the fucking Bible? I brought down Goliath with my mighty sling way before Bart Simpson ever busted out with his fucking skateboard. What happened to fucking respect for history you asshats?
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(c) Defenestration Magazine, 2004
