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Selected Advice for Americans
By Vanessa Gebbie
Section 3. Subsection 5(f) VISITING THE UK
- Mode of Dress.
It is mandatory to dress as a bee keeper when visiting the UK for the first time.
Otherwise how on earth are they meant to know who the American visitors are?
It is the norm for UK citizens to approach anyone on their home territory dressed as a beekeeper and forcibly escort them across the nearest road. It may be that you do not wish to cross that road, but no matter. They will do it anyway, in the spirit of knowing best for the individual what is best for him/her more than they do themselves. It is suggested that you comply 100%.
Please remember that UK beekeepers cannot thus wear the authentic kit, or they would be forever crossing unwanted roads. So they resort to dressing as traffic wardens.
Thus, you will show your deep understanding of the UK psyche when you, dressed as a beekeeper, approach a beekeeper dressed as a traffic warden, and say "Hello..... honey?"
It never fails.
- Societal norms.
a) Society on these disjointed islands is built upon the ‘Kleiner Chain Effect’. The simplest manifestation is the beekeeper/traffic warden phenomenon.
The chain extends thus. Traffic wardens cannot dress as themselves or they would naturally be confused with beekeepers. Therefore, they dress as vicars. Vicars as doctors. Doctors dress as Pantomime Dames and so on, until the chain returns, via Librarians dressed as Undertakers, and Undertakers dressed as Trapeze Artists, back to visitors. (Beekeepers.)
b) There is no point in learning the chain. The Kleiner Chain Effect is so termed because it is only ever in place for ten days. After that everyone changes round so you never know who is who anyway. Except for visitors. (Beekeepers)
- Integration Patterns.
The Kleiner Chain Effect allows for fast integration of visitors into the UK’s multi-faceted community, as follows:
Intercourse, parts 1 and 2
It is possible that conditions may be right for sexual intimacy. Since the reign of Queen Victoria, regulations governing the stages of sexual intimacy have been in place. It is advisable to acquaint oneself with these prior to attempting conjugation.
- Intercourse, Part I
(Extract. For full text see Advice For Americans, hardback, Volume 6, Chapters 15 through 25)
In the first instance select a person from your own grouping. It is notoriously hard to tell whether a beekeeper is male or female, and care should be taken to select wisely to avoid physical damage.
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Seeking the company of other beekeepers.
It is possible that you will feel isolated at times, behind your veil. This will manifest itself as an ache under the ribs, and a need to be hugged. You may, at these times, attempt to seek the company of other beekeepers.
It is advisable, when seeking company, to wear the veil down at all times. Thus, you may observe without being seen. You will no doubt note that other beekeepers are attempting to observe you. Do not worry. They cannot fathom any more about you than you can about them.
If particularly lonely, you may, on Thursdays only, extend one hand, sans gauntlet, for the similarly ungauntleted hand of a fellow beekeeper.
(Caveat: The bee-keeper’s outfit is designed to protect the wearer against hurt from external causes, such as bees. Protection against self-inflicted harm is not guaranteed. Once an ungauntleted hand is extended, you must be aware that the touch of another beekeeper can lead to emotional upset. )
Regulations on kissing. (extract) Part five. (Beekeepers) Subsection A (Beekeeper to beekeeper)
Note the presence of thick veils. Note that you will not be able to see said other beekeeper, and conversely, the other beekeeper cannot see you.
You must therefore make the appropriate pre-kissing-beekeeper noises. Noises like, “Hi, Honey, gee, I’m lonely…” are perfectly acceptable.
Pursing your lips and making squelchy noises are not. (The Brits are sexually repressed. Why do you think they have rules regarding kissing beekeepers in the first place?)
Two veils are thicker than one. (Truism) Each of you, kisser and kissee, will see the world through composite eyes, rather like those of a bee. (Which is very appropriate. The British love empathising with small fluffy things. Bees are small fluffy things)
The attempt at kissing may well end in tears. Be prepared. But not to worry; thanks to the veil you never know when a beekeeper is crying.
(Caveat: Generally, the effects of seeing the world through a veil have not been analysed. It is thought however that there will be no lasting damage done through your perception of everything cut into tiny squares. The brain is adept, we believe, in reforming the total picture almost perfectly. Almost.)
- Intercourse Part II
Let us suppose Part 1 is successful. A touch of ungauntleted hands and a kiss have not led to tears. It has been attempted successfully at least twenty times. (In Huddersfield, reduce that to ten.)
The beekeepers are now ready to attempt further bodily contact. It is strongly advised that the complete uniform must be worn at all times during this manoeuvre. It will be noted that certain bodyzones become heated prior to and during this exchange. Please note that beekeeper outfits can be purchased in modern thermo-reactive material for the uninitiated.
The sensitive fully clad beekeeper will realise that the above manoeuvre could be described as disappointing.
(Caveat: The manual agreed at the time of Queen Victoria terminates at this chapter. Modern updates are available at additional cost.)
The beekeeper must now ask him/herself if it is appropriate to let this other beekeeper know that you really want them? Of course, the answer to this is ‘probably’.
You can let them know you want them quite simply by saying the following four words, “I – love – you- Honey.”
There will no doubt be a pause, while a blank veiled face waits to reply.
Or not.
Do not assume anything. It is kinder on the heart.
- Airport procedures for beekeepers.
Check in at least two hours before departure. Get searched by a security guard, dressed as a steeplejack. Or by a steeplejack dressed as a ballerina.
Join at least three other rejected beekeepers. Sit holding your head in your hands, waiting for your flight to be called.
Wonder where home is.
End of selected advice.
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