Character Notes for "When Gods Collide and Conflict"

By Tom Barlow

Gordon Van Gelder, Editor
The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction
P.O. Box 3447
Hoboken, NJ 07030

Dear Mr. Van Gelder:

I recently submitted my short story "When Gods Collide and Conflict," to The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction (Fed-ex tracking number 00130444266, delivered to your office at 4:46 p.m. on February 5th; a J.J. Adams signed for it?). In retrospect, I wonder if some readers might find the characters a tad confusing, as they are quite advanced.

I am confident that you will choose to print my story, and leave it to your best judgment whether to append the following.  

"When Gods Collide and Conflict" main characters:

Gordon d'Shaft- fortune hunter, raconteur, agent provocateur. Wears a beat-up fedora and a zyzzmianan pelt vest. Penis was cut off in an attack by Weiß Obsidian's voluptuous henchwoman Suzu Tagnacht, but reattached near his breastbone to take advantage of the increased blood flow. He is hired by Suzzhi b'Flamé to recover the kidnapped crown prince, Zussa t'Biskt.

Suzzhi b'Flamé- Voluptuous genius and queen of the Dakota tribe, who live in the orbiting encampments of the 'true humans' around Jupiter. Controls the gaming industry of the Jupiter alliance. Secretly a priestess in the Plexus, a mystical all-female society bent on ruling the Jupiter system through the ancient feminine principles of the Amazons.

Weiß Obsidian- a half black, half white (divided down the middle, head to foot, like Neapolitan ice cream without the strawberry) man whose family once ruled the equatorial country of Bongo on the now uninhabitable planet of Tierra. Head of the Pain and Persuasion (P&P) Guild, henchman and henchwomen who work for the highest bidder.

Hizzanr d'Wolf- Chief of the Dakota Tribe, famous as the warrior who killed the thaumaturge Aha Ink in the Battle of the Europa Sea. Hizzanr is also known as Four-ear, since he had the ears of slain Aha Ink grafted onto his head to intimidate his enemies. During the course of the story Hizzanr learns he was adopted, and is really the illegitimate son of Weiß Obsidian and Suzu Tagnacht.

Aha Ink- Began life as human, but through a human-animal hybridization process, gained deadly attributes such as lion claws, the gills of a halibut, the teeth of a grizzly, and the eyes of a Titian seeker lizard. He is (was) a member of the P&P Guild, hired by Drake Drake Drake, pretender to the throne of Ganymede, to kill Hizzanr d'Wolf and Zussa d'Biskt.

Drake Drake Drake- Duc O'Io, plots to rule the outer planets. His is a giant among the microhumans, a race genetically altered to minimize resource depeletion, standing a full 75 centimeters tall. His son, Drake Drake Drake Drake, appears destined to grow even taller.

Drake Drake Drake Drake- Teenager with sexual identity problems, he has taken to secretly dressing as a woman in hopes of joining the Plexus conspiracy. Resents his father. Self-conscious about his height. When he is kidnapped by Gordon d'Shaft, who hopes to swap him for Suzza d'Biskt, he falls in love with the penis-chested scallywag.

Eyieeyiyo McDonald- D4's servant, dwarf, wears eye patch. Always accompanied by his parrot, Verbatim.

Peas Porrauge- Voluptuous servant in the d'Wolf castle, she is secretly the high priestess of Plexus, on a mission to seduce Drake Drake Drake and bear a child with mixed DNA that would pollute the genetic purity of the microhumans, whom the Plexus consider perversions. She conspires with Zuzzia d'd'dimand to kidnap Zussa d'Biskt in hopes of swapping the prince for the unholy child Drake Drake Drake Drake.

Zuzzia d'd'dimand- Representative of the Holy C to the outer planets, she is a voluptuous sexual predator with a taste for edged weapons and things that go boom. She and Gordon d'Shaft once shared an on again, off again love/hate relationship. He is unaware of her Plexus involvement, and she is unaware that the bulge in his breast pocket means he's happy to see her.

Drake Drake- Drake Drake Drake's father and Drake Drake Drake Drake's grandfather, now senile, he waxes D3's diamond floor, causing D3's wife Guse's deadly fall.

Pupu Milkkoal- An unhappy member of the P&P guild, he plots the assassination of Weiß Obsidian, hoping to replace him with the bloodthirsty but voluptuous Bianco Nero.

Bianco Nero- A product of Weiß Obsidian's rape of a microwoman. With her long arms but very short legs, she specializes in attacking dinner guests from under the table. Actually responsible for the dismemberment of Gordon d'Shaft, which he blames on Suzu Tagnacht.

Suzu Tagnacht- She joins Plexus in order to spy on them for the P&P Guild, which she has joined in order to spy on them for the Dakota tribe, which she has joined in order to spy on them for her former soulmate, Gordon d'Shaft, in hopes of regaining his love. Unbeknownst to her, Gordon is spying on her for the Duc O'Io. Unbeknownst to Gordon, she is also spying on him for the Holy C, under the threat that they will otherwise harm her twin sister, Zusu.

I hope this clarifies the characters for my short story. Thanks for your understanding.

Tom d'Barlow