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Dear Mister Bargain: Exasperated in Minnesota
By Ryan Nemeth
Dear Mister Bargain,
I'm hosting a Thanksgiving Day mixer at my cottage. One of my friends, sadly, is Jewish. I say 'sadly' because my husband told me an invitation to my Turkey Day mixer may offend her. Do Jewish Americans celebrate Thanksgiving?
Thanks,
Exasperated in Minnesota
Dear Exasperated in Minnesota,
All year round I get questions from readers who don't quite understand the Jewish faith. Yes, Jewish Americans celebrate Thanksgiving. But there are many things that our Jewish loved ones don't celebrate, and that makes dealing with these people very tricky. I've compiled something that might help all my regular (non-Jewish) readers understand the intricacies of Judaism. Here is a list of every single thing that the Torah forbids:
Giving Christmas gifts
Opening Christmas gifts
Writing thank-you notes for Christmas gifts
Returning Christmas gifts that didn't fit right
Cheating in 'Secret Santa'-style gift exchanges so you always get the same person
Saving time by going to Christmas Mass early (on Christmas Eve)
Eating (or smelling) Christmas cookies
Living in a city that permits the sale of eggnog
Believing in Snowmen (more specifically: constructing false idols out of Christmas snow)
Mourning the death of a loved one by singing Christmas carols
Getting a flat tire on the way to your godparents' house on Easter
Keeping unorganized bathroom cabinets
Experiencing tooth decay
Awkwardly sharpening a pencil with a knife because the pencil sharpener is misplaced and the writing of a Christmas list with that pencil
Excessive pride
Living in a house with unsanded walls
Loud gum-chewing while wrapping Christmas gifts*
*There are some exceptions to this one
I encourage my readers to invite people of all different races, religions, and body types to Thanksgiving Day mixers.
Happy Holidays.
Mister Bargain
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