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Ask Mister Bargain

By Ryan Nemeth

Dr. Mister Bargain,

Lately, my fiancée has been going on and on about cell phones. I personally don't know the difference between cell phones and ordinary coin-operated telephones. What are they all about?   

Thanks,
Wondering in Grand Rapids


Dear Wondering in Grand Rapids,

First of all, it's obvious to me, Mister Bargain, that you are not emotionally or financially ready for marriage. The fact that you have a fiancée is laughable.  

Secondly, cell phones have been around forever! You must have been living under a rock the last couple years. Or I suppose you could be one of those stubborn mentally challenged people. In that case, get over it, already. As Mister Bargain always says, "It's never too late to change-even if your parents were so full of sin that you were born with autism."

Cellular, or mobile, phones are simply telephones that you can take with you anywhere. They make it possible to keep up with today's high-paced world. The convenience of owning and using a mobile phone is something our prehistoric ancestors (along with amoebas and know-it-all residents of third-world countries) were never lucky enough to experience. I encourage you to give in and to explore the wonderful world of mobile communication.

Cell phones are a milestone in modern human achievement. Even so, most modern humans take the vast possibilities available in cellular technology for granted. That's unfortunate for modern humans, considering how many modern humans rely on modern cell phones every human day. Golly, think of all the modern human things that wouldn't be humanly possible without modern human cell phones! Virtually every major city, industry, railroad line, world religion, socialite, ethnicity, X-Ray, Death Row pardon, successful presidential election, jailbreak, winning lottery ticket, photosynthesis process, piece of delivered mail, pulled tooth, pair of wax lips, popular pet grooming trend and dropped call is one-hundred percent reliant on cellular telephone  technology.

Mobile phones have come a long way since the days of the klunky, walkie-talkie units. Companies like Verizon Wireless, Nokia and Alltell are designing increasingly more compact phones. Favorites such as the Nokia SG-304 are small and light enough to rest unnoticeably in a front shirt pocket. But in a world where tinier is better, even the paperthin SG-304 is too big for today's consumer. Not to mention the fact that pockets (along with other so-called necessary accessories like pagers, purses and DNA) are, again, going out of style. The smaller (and more affordable) Alltell 1133 is probably a better choice. The Alltell 1133 is so compact that it will fit snuggly within the nucleus of your favorite atom. And don't worry about looking awkward while using mobile phones. Belt-clips and stylish phone covers allow fashionable talkers to look confident and comfortable (often appearing as confident and as comfortable as popular rap artists).

Neat features like voicemail make using these handy devices even more efficient and helpful. Just what is voicemail, you ask?  Voicemail is a digital answering machine that allows friends and business associates to leave you messages when they call your phone. Plus, it gives you the option to leave humorous outgoing greetings to your hilarious friends. When I don't pick up, for example, my callers are greeted with the following message: "Hello, who's calling please? Oh, hey, what's up? Oh yeah? Really? Oh, ok. Yeah, sure, just do that. Oh, I see. Wow, that's funny. You know what else is funny? This isn't me, it's my voicemail! Haha, I got ya! You are so gullible! And uneducated! And lazy! I hope your children never qualify for Financial Aid!"

See how fun those can be?

So, readers, if you haven't had the pleasure of using a mobile phone, what are you waiting for? It's never been easier (or more affordable) to sign up with a cellular provider. Just stop in a nearby Verizon Wireless or AT&T store to get yourself on the fast track to worldwide mobile communication and painful brain tumors!  

Keep asking and I'll keep answering!
Mister Bargain