"Ask Mister Bargain 3 "

"Ask Mister Bargain 2"

"Ask Mister Bargain"

" Pillow Talk."

" Letter From Home."

" Sick Note."

" The Panther."

Pillow Talk

By Ryan Nemeth

Need some help being creative in bed? Here are some useful things to say while making love to your lady. Go on, try them out!  

“Oh, honey, burp me like an infant.”

“I puked on your boobs because you’re so sexy. That’s why I did that.”

“Hmm, this is very similar to cheating on you.”

“Girl, you are so freaking fertile it’s not funny.”

“Plunge me like a toilet, baby.”

“Oh, God, Integrate me like they started to do in the socially radical late 1950s!”

“Do me! Do me like a crossword puzzle made up of dirty words and phrases!”

“I feel like baby food when I’m with you.”

“Harder! Harder! I want to be fossilized!”

“Girl, you look so good that a scary monster clown would hide in your closet and make clicking noises to scare you at night.”

“I love you like adjectives.”

“Come on, girl, make me earn my title as the Valentine’s Day Strangler! Err, I mean, oh, baby, you are so safe with me it’s sexy!”

“No, I didn’t say ‘Strangler.’ Here, I’ll demonstrate how bad I am at strangling you!”

“Oh, God! Even the gene that predetermines my male pattern baldness is horny!”

“You see this sweat? You must be hot, because this is the same kind of sweat my skin produces when the temperature outside is high. And when I’m being interrogated for the Valentine’s Day Strangler slayings.”

“I love you. Haha, just kidding. Put the nipple clamps back on.”

“You have a boring body. Sorry, wrong IM.”