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How to Meet a Douchebag
By Ranee Floemien
In Fifteen Easy Minutes (which is actually conducive to the mental age and personality of women interested in this guide)
You:
In regards to personality: Mindlessness is next to Godliness (Who needs that G.E.D anyway!) Make sure you always look hot. Your roots should show, but the rest of your hair should be a different color. Exquisite. To keep your fine physique, drink hard liquor at every meal. This will help you purge after every meal, which will help you stay skinny (hint: take up smoking). Make sure everything on you is acrylic, hair, nails, shoes, your morals.
You don't need friends, polyester is your friend. Besides, friends will get in the way of your Douchebag love because they will spend time trying to convince you that you deserve more then a Douchebag. Girl, you don't.
If you DO have to have friends, it's better if they are all male, so they will never be prettier then you--unless they are transvestites (if that's the case, just make sure they have a smaller Adam's apple). Lastly, buy a car you can't afford--nothing displays good financial judgment like bad financial history. Also men like engines that vroom like their penis.
The Place:
Go to the finest club, and look for the nearest stage/bar. If you find half naked, grinding chicks on the stage/bar, the more likely you are to meet your douchebag. Peruse the front of the crowd. He's there, rocking his freshly shaped "fade" hairstyle. There's a small fortune of oil in his hair. He's waving a few crumpled dollar bills towards a girl working her perennial area. He's got cash. Sure he probably borrowed it from his ex-girlfriend who he still lives with--but they are just friends and only sleep together in the same bed to save on the heating bill. Take a whiff of the air around him: if he smells like he's taken a few laps in Aquavelva, he's the stud for you.
The Conversation:
It starts out friendly at first, and when you ask him a question, he answers your chest. He offers to buy you a drink, but then discovers he lost his wallet, and you are left footing the bill. However, he is super fine, and you really love his well trimmed facial hair which is in the shape of insoles triangles. Every sentence he utters begins and/or ends with "girl, you know" and he already has his hand on YOUR gluteus maximus area. Aww, yeah girlfriend! You are so close to helping him pay for child support!
The Success Story:
You are walking out of the club with your new Douchebag! He has his arm slung casually over your shoulder so he looks as laid back as possible as well as retaining the right to cop a feel. As he talks about "keeping his pimp hand strong," you notice that his gold tooth matches your shiny rims. Truly this is a relationship that will last longer then your illegitimate pregnancy.
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