The New iPod

By Ralph Nieves-Bryant

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Good afternoon; my name is Steve Jobs, C.E.O. of Apple Computer. Welcome to the 2011 MacWorld Conference. Since the creation of the iPod in 2001, we have been releasing a brand new model every 13 days. Our indentured servants in China, who make our iPods, are so dedicated that they have developed basketball-sized blisters on their fingers. The iPod has helped us exceed financial projections, made many of us extremely wealthy and has scored me more sexual favors than I could possibly handle. But today, we will be revolutionizing our company, our industry and the exotic world of the pimp
game with the introduction of this new iPod. I present to you, iPod Ho.

When we decided to build iPod Ho, our goal was to create a product that would become the most dynamic digital ho experience for both men and women. We wanted a product that would outperform the current hos on the stroll. Before we began, we asked ourselves two questions: first, who are the other players in the ho market? We identified strippers, playboys, crack hos, escorts, gigolos, high priced call girls and, of course, our spouses. Next, we asked what is wrong with the existing hoes on the market.  Here is what we learned did not work about their products:

1. Uncertain Selection: Finding just the right hoe is a complicated process. You either have to drive around the ho stroll all night or rely on phones and the Internet to get your satisfaction. Both methods are unreliable at best. The iPod Ho dramatically changes the process. I am pleased to announce a partnership with the National Pimphand Union (NPU), which is chaired by Snoop Dogg, to create iPimp, a new software application and
digital ho store.  Every ho on iPimp will receive the NPU Seal of Approval, which guarantees they are all Grade A "Bottom Bitches" from the finest ho stables in America, including the Moonlight Bunny Ranch in Nevada, the Gold Club in Atlanta and Hugh Hefner's Playboy Mansion.

2. Poor User Interface: Unfortunately, hos are difficult to deal with. In the past, if you brought a stud back to your junior suite at the Courtyard Marriott, that also meant inviting in all his childhood trauma, infectious diseases and his $300 a day smack habit. In addition, if you thought dealing with hoes was difficult, try getting your husband to actually "understand" you. Using iPimp, the hos of your choice are easy to find. They also will not destroy the mood like your wife or husband by telling you about their day or asking to watch the last five minutes of the game before paying you any attention, respectively.

3. Limited Navigation: Let's say you have a live ho bent over doggy style and you decide to switch the position to reverse cowgirl. Well, that might cost you extra. And to get some extra loving from your spouse, you may have to agree to let your dreaded Mother-In-Law come for a visit. No one wants that! With the largest position memory card on the market, named iKama, you can go from missionary to master and servant with just a few
turns on the click wheel.

The iPod Ho is not your ordinary Street Walking Crack Ho. That would not be good enough for Apple. We will leave the cheap digital hos to our friends at Dell. The iPod Ho comes in five colors: Honkey White, Negro Black, Spic Tan, Chinky Yellow and my favorite, Indistinguishable Mulatto. It weighs only 4.5 pounds and it comes in two depths, three and six inches, with customizable attachments for people hung like a bull.

The iPod Ho features three entry ports: iMouth, iButt and iBush. The iPod Ho also has one exit port for our coolest new accessory, iPenis, which, to quote a famous phrase, is strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. iPod Ho functions like all iPods in that you upload files through our standard USB 69.0 output. You can use the click wheel to play your files by a particular ho or create a playlist of your favorite hos for a threeway,
orgy or gangbang. People can also select from a particular genre, including Dominatrixes, Pool Boys and the most popular genre, Chickenheads.

You may have heard rumors of Microsoft's new WinSlut XXX digital hoe application. However, according to a story in PC Magazine, their operating system recently suffered an attack of the Crabs Virus. I can tell you that iPod Ho features the latest version of the Penicillin Anti-Virus, which will eradicate the latest strains of syphilis, gonorrhea and the most aggressive virus - premature cohabitation.

Of course, you cannot have an iPod without the cool accessories because we really need to bleed our customers dry. And I want to specifically mention three exciting new products that will be available.

I briefly mentioned the iPenis. Ladies, you should know it is made from the finest human-like composite materials recycled from our now expired iPod People project. iPenis comes in an amazing 12 sizes, from the compact two-inch model to the impressive 15-inch model, which I affectionately call iSteve. Also, by going to the Settings tab, you can click on the "Vibrate" setting and really get the party started.

Next, Brad Pitt could be lying in your bed and occasionally you will want something different. That is why we created iBody. This accessory allows you to dress up your iPod Ho with tens of thousands of simulated bodies. Got a case of jungle fever - then try the Halle Barry iBody; like things a little spicy - how about Salma Hayek; love transvestites - check out Bea Arthur. If you love Anna Nicole Smith, we have three iBodies for you: if
you are a fan of Playboy, we have Playmate Anna; for people with a chubby fetish, there's Fat Anna. Finally, for champions of coked out has-beens, you can pick up Junkie Anna. As a special offer, if you purchase the Junkie Anna, you can upgrade to Courtney Love for just 99 cents. iBody has something for everyone.

I submit to you that the iPod Ho represents the hottest digital ho experience on the planet. But sometimes, you just want to cuddle. That's why we created iListen, which allows you to feel the strong emotional connection that only a molded piece of plastic can deliver. iListen comes with a state of the art digital "ear" that can record 10 hours of incessant blabbering. You can also plug in the optional Nodding Head attachment,
which has been calibrated with iListen to nod in agreement at the most appropriate times.

Finally, what about price? Again, we looked to our competitors for guidance. The price fluctuation is significant in the ho business - starting at $25 for blow jobs from street hos to a new Lexus for your disgruntled lesbian lover. We looked for a price point that would help us enter the ho stroll with a strong position and still allow the masses to enjoy iPod Ho. I am pleased to announce that the iPod Ho will be available for $4,999. We think that's a fair price to have all the hos you could ever want in a portable digital solution. It's cheaper than 10 trips to the Bunnyranch and more affordable than getting your husband the penile enlargement he so desperately needs. And with the "Turn Out" feature, your iPod Ho can generate revenue for you. All you have to do is recruit johns
to "sample" the product. By using this feature, the iPod Ho practically pays for itself.

The reviews for the iPod Ho have already been positive. Heidi Fleiss says "I've been around a lot of hos. But this is the hoist ho in history." We heard this from pimp legend and actor Ice T: "This bitch will have your money. and will make change." Someone who knows a thing or two about hos, former President Bill Clinton, said: "This ho helped save my marriage." Time Magazine enthusiastically stated: "The symbiotic relationship between the iPimp and the iHo redefines the battle of the sexes and easily makes the iPod Ho the must have gift for the holiday season." My favorite review came from the gay publication, The Advocate , which gave iPod Ho: "Two Big Dicks Straight Up!" Because of this, we anticipate the iPod Ho will gain a market share of 80% of the digital ho market by next week.

Before I close, I would like to thank the iPod Ho Product Team, who tested, retested and re-re-retested the Hos to make sure this product provided maximum satisfaction. I especially would like to thank Jorge Villalobos from our Castro office in San Francisco for perfecting the iPenis attachment.

Ladies and gentlemen, the digital ho revolution is upon us. I encourage you to visit the showroom floor, where we have some demo copies of the iPod Ho for you to try out. This includes our limited edition iPam Anderson, with two oversized click wheels. Thank you and good night.