Musings

By Michael Dennis McDermott
                                    

I've called you here together this night to discuss a matter of some importance. The matter is pedantry - not pederasty - which is an interesting topic, too, but not the focus of our concern right now.

This topic came to mind recently while I was engaged in conversation with a birdwatcher. When I contributed something about a flock of birds I was quickly corrected. He indicated to me that flock was more of a generic term, and that the proper way to address the issue was to use the correct term for each species. For instance, this asshole pointed out, Quail assemble in bevy's; Nightingales in watches, and Starlings in murmurations. He attempted to go on with this, but I let loose with a loud fart in reply. I find this ploy to be effective when dealing with people who are overly impressed with their grasp of arcanery.

I digress.

The fool, though taken aback by my maneuver, braved on. Animals, too, he preached, have their own designations for the groups in which they travel. For instance, he said, Fox assemble in skulks, Cats in clouders, and Bears in sloths.

At this point I'd had enough. I pissed on his shoe, and left.

I figured who gives a rat's ass about animals and birds? Birds can flock, animals can herd, and this guy can go twist his dick into a spiral and screw his way underground.

But it did get me thinking. While overly descriptive nouns are stupid when applied to the lesser creatures, I think mankind might be deserving of them. The idea, of course, is to find just the right word -- a single word describing the foremost characteristic or proclivity of each member of our target group. For instance, when standing in front of a mental hospital ogling a group of schizophrenics we could rightfully refer to the assemblage as a 'Twitch'.

("Look Warren, there's a whole twitch of them.")

A group of priests might be designated as a 'Sodom', a gathering of Hassidim, a 'Hirsute' and if they are all wearing dirty shirts, a 'Crud'.

How about an 'Impairment' of Irish.

We could have a 'Stuttering' of the handicapped, a 'Lurch' of cripples, and a mob of homosexuals called a 'Flit'. How about knot of 7-11 clerks being called an 'Habib', a squad of Jehovah's Witnesses an 'Intrusion' and a troop of Jews, a 'Frugal'.

A company of tobacco executives, a 'Prevarication', a tribe of cab drivers, a "Curry', and mayhaps a 'Squint' of Japanese.

Because black people seem to have no use for plurals or tense in their idiom, I propose a complement of them be described as being a 'Singularity'

("He say he give me two dollar forty cent but I say Nah Hah".)

I think blind people should have their own designation, too. I propose a 'Grope'.

("I'm telling you, Helen, there was a whole Grope of them in line at the urinal.")

A 'Tremor' of the palsied, a 'Tic' of psychiatrists, and a 'Frown' of Baptists.

A corps of Republicans gathered in the prison yard, an 'Abramoff'.

We could have a 'Butch' of dykes, a 'Fracture' of orthopedists, and a 'Whine' of teachers.

("Ooooh, the children just won't behave.")

May I further submit a 'Wheeze' of asthma sufferers, a 'Slant' of Chinamen, and a 'Sleaze' of attorneys.

A 'Drool' of pedophiles, and a 'Blister' of syphilitics?

I think a group of sewer workers should be referred to as a 'Trench', a throng of mechanics as a 'Wrench', and a band of cigar smokers designated a 'Stench'.

When Frenchman gather, an 'Uncle' 'cause in war that's their only mantra; a 'Goosestep' of Germans, a horde of Mexicans would be a 'Mow', and a sit down of young Italians, a 'Pomade'. Middle-aged Italians might be designated 'Yo Frankie', and an elderly group of same, a 'Soprano'.

Beyond this, a forum of hairdressers a 'Traipse', a swarm of gynecologists, a 'Gash', and a conclave of dermatologists, a 'Zit'.

How about a 'Shiv' of Puerto Ricans?

We might have an 'Implant' of starlets, a 'Phlegm' of lung cancer victims, and a 'Swindle' of stockbrokers.

I further propose a 'Vulgarity' of rappers, a 'Limp' of Viagra users, and a 'Crotch' of prostitutes.

Maybe a 'Pink' of pimps.

Where politicians caucus, a 'Bribe', where cigarette smokers forum, a 'Consumption', and, I offer, a 'Gaunt' of Aids patients.

In an orchestra we might have a 'Spread' of cellists; a squad of dog walkers described as a 'Fecal', and a convocation of landlords, a 'Blight'.

We could have a 'Blabber' of senators, a 'Bling' of basketballers, and a 'Softening' of Methodists.

A 'Rugbump' of Muslims at prayer, a 'Yodel' of Imams, and a 'Peek' of Burka clad women.

A 'Belch' of short order cooks, a 'Persnickety' of e-zine editors, and a 'Squirm' of hemorrhoid sufferers.

More later. I think I hear the mob gathering.

Michael Dennis McDermott is a full time sculptor and part time writer, though he is considering reversing those roles. He lives in New York City with his wife, Patricia, and his faithful companion, Leo, the Wonder Dog. Mister McDermott's works have appeared in multiple editions of New Works Review (including the current one), Quill and Ink, Sonata, The Rose and Thorn, Ken Again, Scorched Earth, etc, etc.... He is currently working on what will probably be his fourth unpublished novel.

Mister McDermott will review comments and death threats at: leoleoleo@earthlink.net