Works by
Matt Maxwell
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My Ex’s Vibrator: An Interview
By Matt Maxwell
Me: How are you feeling?
Cassini: Much better now that I have fresh batteries. It’s like drinking a four pack of Red Bull in twenty minutes.
That good?
I’m gassed up and ready to go.
You look clean.
She just washed me yesterday. Had a pretty involved session.
Details?
You’ll have to ask the video camera.
What does it feel like when the batteries are running low?
Total lethargy. Like I want to wake up but can’t. It’s very frustrating. Probably similar to a dysfunction.
What is the funniest incident you can remember?
When Amy had me in her mouth, wetting me down, and somehow turned me on. I ground against her teeth like one of those cheap wind-up toys that bounce across a table.
I remember that. That was pretty funny.
A bit stronger and I could have chipped one of her teeth. Explain that to your dentist.
What’s your favorite memory?
Hmmm. I don’t know. I really enjoy just being out. I like it when she watches television and I can watch too. Most of the time she holds my point against her clit—whereas you wanted to cram me in her—so I can watch television with her, and I prefer that.
You’re not telling me your memory.
I’m getting there. I spend too much time in a dark place (and then often enter another dark place), so just being out, even on top the blanket is enjoyable. But if I have to narrow it down, my favorite memory was being left out for five days: the sunshine, the space, the noises.
What’s your worst memory?
When David shit on me.
Who’s David?
Some guy she had over…
After we split up?
No.
Why didn’t you tell me?
You never asked. Anyway, she stuck me up his ass and he shit everywhere. Even the inside of the cap had shit in it. I was horrified. I refused to work for several days just out of spite.
Do you enjoy your work?
Most of the time. I don’t really like being stored in cramped drawers or stuffed under a pillow, but what can I do? I like being the center of attention, you know? Being the instrument, being the star of the show. I like being used.
If you weren’t doing this, what would your job be?
I’ve always wanted to be a jacuzzi nozzle.
Any workout regimen?
Cardiovascular for endurance. Yoga for holding my body position and my breath.
What about diet?
I love vegetarian pizzas. All types of cobblers and pies.
Any hobbies or sports?
Spelunking. I’m thinking about doing some photography. I’ve been reading up on it, doing some research. Not much of an athlete, unfortunately.
Do you ever wish you were a different color?
Not really. Although when I saw a metallic green one I was fairly jealous. But I realize I am what I am.
When did you see that?
A few weeks ago. A brunette brought hers over.
What did you do?
Ask the digital camera.
How often does she use you?
Sorry, but I can’t tell you that—client privileges.
How about a hint?
Why?
To satisfy my curiosity.
Let’s just say that she gets off just as much, if not more, without you. You think she’s going to stop because you’re not here?
No.
But you’re secretly hoping?
No.
Right. Were you ever jealous of me?
I think she eventually preferred you.
Well, after all, I was there whenever she needed me, for however long she needed me.
Don’t you worry about being replaced by a bigger one or one of a different
color or shape?
Didn’t you? Well, it happened to you. I just whir from one day to the next.
Are you to loyal to her?
Why? You offering to take me?
I’m contemplating it.
You got a girl?
No…
Then I’m loyal to Amy. I don’t like just being a one-trick pony. With her I got several uses.
I understand. Does she ever, you know, say my name?
No. She doesn’t even say mine.
What’s in the future for you?
I think a better phrasing would be, “In the future, what am I in?”
Funny.
Well, today’s Monday, first day back to work. She’s tired, stays home. I get used. In fact, if you don’t mind, I need to be in my spot for her when she needs me.
Do you think either of the cameras will talk to me?
You can try, but I think their apertures are pretty well closed.
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