How to Turn Your Cat into Cash

By Matt Kolbet


Despite today’s unreliable economy, a recent lawsuit reported in my local newspaper shows that many people are making the most of their pets. Your cat is worth a million dollars, dead. Securing this financial gain isn’t always easy though.

Start by establishing a relationship with the cat, or at least the appearance of one. This won’t happen overnight, so plan ahead, because you’ll want to be able to discuss details later. For the limited duration of your relationship, you’ll need to provide food and shelter for the animal, and the choices you make now can pay big dividends later. Six months is generally long enough to establish a solid relationship—that’s like four feline years.

Even the most independent cat can require great care, but spending more than one hundred dollars a month on the cat won’t be economical unless you’ve already arranged for an exorbitant death. Even if you have, be careful. Courts are often tied up with lesser
affairs involving human beings. For appearance’s sake, don’t spend more than what it would cost to feed a family in some third-world country.

Housing is perhaps the toughest decision you’ll face. Dangers outside the house include other animals and—if you live in the city—the homeless. Studies show that more and more people are suffering from poverty nowadays, and chances are someone you know may become poor or know of someone who is homeless, even in nice neighborhoods.  

Therefore, cats will do better inside, where food and heat are plentiful, and annoyances fewer. In fact, unless someone you live with suffers from severe allergies, indoors is perfect. Besides, allergy sufferers can be confined to one room of the house so the cat is free to roam without the fear of being tripped on.

Once you’ve created the appearance of love (note: real love is seldom necessary) you’ll need to arrange the cat’s death. The death must look accidental. It won’t do to just throw the cat into traffic or to the neighbor’s dogs, but once more appearances shouldn’t cause too much delay in the acquisition of your much-deserved fortune.

Cats don’t require leashes the way dogs or children do. Take your cat for a walk in a high-traffic area and hope fright takes over. Here too, planning ahead pays off.  If you live in an affluent neighborhood, try to have the cat run over by a neighbor you dislike—choices should be plentiful.  

If you are poor and the cat is your ticket upward, or if you merely want to take a cruise, losing and mourning your cat in a well-to-do community is still the best bet. When questioned about how you got past the gates, tell the police you were lost.

Finally, when the case goes to trial, be ready to cry. It may be a man with a family that pays for your cat’s death, but this is no reason for dismay. His children will have names, so have several in store for your dead cat (like Princess or Marvin).

Never waver—it’s only money.

Matt Kolbet is a new father, and his only pet, a turtle, died a year ago but not in a way that yielded restitution. He wishes exclamation points were made of metal and rusted often to frighten iophobes. Kolbet will never be seen in a beard unless it’s borrowed. He has completed a novel in which a man kills his best friend and attempts to usurp his identity. His own identity has been usurped by the writer of this bio.