What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

By Jim O’Loughlin


I’m writing about what I want to be when I grow up because that is the assignment. I have to write five hundred words about this because that is what you said, Mrs. Keiler. You should know that this is a hard assignment because five hundred is a lot of words, and after I say I want to be a video game tester I won’t have anything left to say and so far that’s only seventy-seven words.

Not everyone is good with words, especially when they have to be in the right order and in complete sentences and stuff. Teachers should think about that when they give out papers to write. In science lab, I sit with Rebecca Mandal, who’s always talking about her out-of-state boyfriend and text messaging him when she thinks nobody’s looking. I’m for sure her five hundred words is like half a diary entry. But some people have to really work hard for words, and it’s not fair for me to have to work harder than Rebecca.

I’m sure Rebecca is going to write becoming a shoe designer after going to the college she’s always talking about. I forget which one it is, but she already wears a sweatshirt with the college’s name across the front. I suppose college is for some people, but I’ve got too much to do to spend four more years in school. You see, I know what I’m going to be when I grow up because I know what I’m great at, and it don’t take lot of words: I’m going to be a video game tester. Somebody has to test all the new video games to make sure they work and that somebody is going to be me.

I am totally leet at Madden ’06 and even found a disk glitch that you may know because I posted it on this really popular blog. You pause, go to substitutions, sub the back up center for the left guard, put the starting left guard in the center slot, then reset the subs when you run the formation. Pow! It’s a total disconnect if you do it right. When I posted the glitch, this noob called me a griefer for ruining the game for him. I told the noob “get a brick and go back to playing sims. Oh, wait, you can’t do that because you’re a total  
high pinger.” Ha! That was great. The noob didn’t even bother posting back, but I got lots of “dittos” and a “GJP, boss man,” and one gamer even said I should zap a line to the hot shots at Electronic Arts and get a job as a tester. I said I’d do it, but I’d have to get out of high school first.

Now you know what I want to be when I grow up. Being a video game tester means I won’t have to work so hard at words because words are hard, but at least now I got five hundred of them.

Jim O’Loughlin’s research is credited with leading to the development of abarelix – the generic name for Plenaxis™. Oh, wait, no, that’s not him. I think he might be one of the most underrated singer-songwriters working today. No, that’s not right either. Is he generally recognized as the foremost authority on the migration patterns of monarch butterflies? I’m pretty sure he wrote “What I Want To Be When I Grow Up.”