"Talking Hedge."

"Seldom Asked Questions (SAQ)."

"Crime Report."

"Further Translations from the Corporate."

"The All-Pro Banking Team."

Tonight on the 1-Star Movie Channel
By Jon Alan Carroll

7:30-9:30p:
Starting Rover--A middle-aged man turns to bestiality after a traumatic divorce. Burt Reynolds. (1976, 119 mins.)

9:30-11:30p:
The Man Who Loved Bukowski --A shy poet discovers that the bars are filled with half-wits, criminals and rambling drunks. Sean   Penn, Henry Chinasky. (2005, 113 mins.)

11:30-1:30a:
Waves Breaking on the Shore--A woman sleeps with another woman and lives to write about it. Jody Foster. (2001, 112 mins.)

1:30-3:30a:
National Lampoon's Same Old Crap III--Retread dorm-dreck about a freshman's attempts to lose his virginity. (2004, 114 mins.)

3:30-5:30a:
Incredibly Ordinary People--Paul gets a job in a warehouse; Sue buys a new pair of shoes. Directed by Robert Redford. (1978, 110 mins.)

5:30-7:30a:
The Cruel Burrito --A savage pork entree goes on a rampage in a tiny Texas town. Part II of the "Taco Hell" trilogy. (1997, 116  mins.)

7:30-9:30a:
They Call the Wind Malignant--Classic yarn about ill-fated lovers who live downwind from a nuclear power plant. Rock Hudson, Doris Day. (1957, 121 mins.)

9:30-9:45a:
The Howl of the Three-Legged Jackal --A man is born. Later on, he dies. (Experimental Short, 2005, 14 mins.)

9:45-11:45a:
Siddhartha: In Good Hands--A spiritual seeker finds peace by the river and goes on to become an Allstate insurance agent. Myron Kessleman. (1969, 121 mins.)

11:45-2:00p:
The Jelly Beings Live--Film follows the Jelly Beings, founders of the Rock Solipsism movement, during their Extreme Self-Absorption Tour. Songs include "Me," "My Inside Voice," "Without Me I'm Nothing," and "I Only Want to Be with Me". (2006, 135 mins.)

2:00-4:00p:
Fritos and Hash--An aspiring comedy writer gets stoned on a Sunday afternoon. Nick Foray, with Groucho Marx as the Voice of God. (1987, 114 mins.)

Jon Alan Carroll is a San Francisco writer and editor. His "work" has appeared in the SoMa Literary Review, Raging Face, Opium, Monkeybicycle, and Unlikely Stories.