Works by
Eric Thurschwell
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The Universal Cashier
By Eric Thurschwell
"Hello. Would you like to sign up for Borders' free email coupons and newsletter? I understand lots of our customers are concerned about spam. Have a good day."
"Hi. May I start a free Borders kids' club card for you? And would you like to sign up for our free internet coupons and newsletter? Sorry, you must have email to participate. Have a nice day."
"Hello. May I start a free Borders kids’ club card for you? Would you like to sign up for our free email newsletter and coupons? Oh don’t worry, we’ll take care of that. Customers are always knocking those off the counter. Actually, I don’t really know what they are. There’s something new on our counter every day. Have a good night."
"Good morning. Did you find everything you were looking for? Good. Would you
like to buy a children’s book to donate to our book drive? They only cost $4.23, including tax. Excuse me, it’s hard to find the space to ring in large purchases with all this merchandise on the counter display. My fault, we’ll pick those up. I really don’t know what they are. No, no one has ever bought one from me. Would you like to sign up for Borders' free email coupons and newsletter? Happy holidays!"
"Hello. Did you find everything you were looking for? I'm sorry, I don't know where those are, but you can ask at customer service. There should be someone there in a minute or two. I’m sorry, 15 minutes is a long time to wait, but I'm sure they're busy with other customers. Excuse me, I’ll have to type in the code numbers for each big calendar, since we don't have the room to scan them. It would be nice to have more surface area to work on. You know, I don’t know what that or that is. They weren’t here yesterday. I’m sorry, I’m afraid we can’t print gift receipts. You’re right, it would be easier for
everyone if we could. In fact, that’s just one of several systemic inefficiencies in the operation of this business. Would you like to buy a children’s book to donate to our book drive? They only cost $4.23, including tax. Would you like to sign up for Borders' free email coupons and newsletter? I hope you have a good holiday."
"Good evening. Yes, it's been a very long day. About a month now, but the symptoms were only severe for the first three weeks. Well, you know what they say about retail: 'If you can walk, you can work!' Would you like to buy a children’s book to donate to our book drive? They only cost $4.23, including tax. Would you like a free January Borders catalog? Did you find everything you were looking for? Do you know we have a buy-four-get-one-free DVD sale? Please be careful not to slip on the shattered plastic in front of the register. I really don't know what it used to be, but we'll clean it up shortly. Actually, it wasn't that fragile; in fact, it took a considerable amount of stomping to reduce it to that state. May I start a free Borders kids’ club card for you? Would you like to sign up for Borders' free email coupons and newsletter? Merry Christmas!"
"Hi. Seventeen is indeed a large number of items to return, especially right before Christmas, but we'll see what we can do. Sure, we can gift wrap the eight purchases, but you might want to leave them here and get dinner and come back for them. No problem, I'll do them while you're here. Do you have receipts? Ok, we can definitely give you credit back for these three. You know, we could reduce returns time by an order of magnitude if they'd only give out gift receipts. Sorry, we can't give cash back for items purchased with a gift card. And you'll need a photo ID for the credit cards, and you must use the same cards that you purchased them with. Those have always been the rules since
I've been here, but I'll call a floor manager if you like. Anyway, I'll need their ok on the ones without receipts, and for the old receipts. Sometimes we give people a break on the 30-day limit, but these receipts are over seven months old. You may also talk to the manager about that. No, she's just the floor manager, and I'll need to check our database to see if we're still carrying these things, so I think it would be a little premature to call her now. Not all of them, just these fourteen. A while, I'm afraid, especially for the
CDs with the very long titles, and the stuff with no identifying labels. There might also be a problem with the book with the discoloration and teeth marks, but having all the pages is a step in the right direction. I never, ever wanted children. To tell you the truth, I don't see her or any other manager. Well, at least we're not as understaffed as the café upstairs! My brother once waited an hour for a cup of coffee! I'm sorry, I don't mean to mock you. Sales tax is six percent here, but I think it's zero for the Delaware receipts and seven and three-fourths for the New York ones. We'll figure that out, eventually. That sale ended last week, but you can talk to you-know-who about that. Sorry, I'm not being flip. We have a three-for-two sales list, but it's very long and the titles are in random order. It seems like it should be easy to sort out with a database program, but not everybody knows about computers. We can ship by Fed-Ex, we'll just need to fill out the separate form. Well, there's fast service and there's full service—so much for the vaunted
efficiency of the private sector! I didn't mean the Soviet Union was better. Do you know about all the sales and kids' junk and whatever?"
"How are you? May I start a free Borders kids’ club card for you? Would you like to sign up for Borders' free email coupons and newsletter? Do you know about our DVD sale? Did you find everything you were looking for? Would you like a free Borders catalog? Would you like to buy a children’s book to donate to our book drive? Would you like to buy a copy of Fanon's The Wretched of the Earth, the proceeds of which will go towards organizing workers into autonomous, anarcho-syndicalist collectives that will take back the excess value extracted from their labor by their capitalist overlords? Would you like to assist me while I pour molten lead down the throat of our marketing manager? Perhaps you would prefer to attend our planned trials of local bourgeoisie? Those found guilty of crimes against the people will be hung from lampposts and then left in the streets, so that all the starving little children may dance upon their bloated corpses. Particularly egregious offenders will first have their private parts cut off and placed in their mouths. Merry Christmas and a happy New Year!"
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