BIFF Needs You!

By Dawn Corrigan


Every January, many of us make resolutions designed to improve ourselves: we'll quit smoking, we'll lose ten pounds, we'll finally put an end to our affair with that creepy married guy in Marketing.

By March, though, we're off the diet, on the cigs, and back in bed with hairy Hal.

The problem is that these resolutions are inherently selfish. However, as we've all learned from Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, and the movie Groundhog Day, true happiness only arrives when we learn to consider the needs of others, and to find a way to contribute to the greater good.

Therefore, won't you consider volunteering this year?

Can't find a worthy cause, you say? Everybody in your neighborhood is already literate and well fed?

Well, consider this. Each year, dozens of celebrities and their hangers-on suffer humiliation and even career setbacks, not to mention wicked hangovers, when they overindulge in all the free canapes and booze thrust upon them by the manipulating hosts of film festival parties.

Picture it. There they are, nobly plying their trade, having flown far from home to remote cities like Toronto, Ann Arbor, and Park City, cities which are well known for their dearth of high end bottled water, personal assistants, and cops on the studio dole. Yet despite these inhospitable conditions, the B-list celebrities make their trek, wanting only to share their movies, hobnob, and score goodie bags.

Into this sea of innocence dive the party hosts, plying these do-gooders with extremely large and fancy cocktails, then turning them loose on the streets of their adopted towns, where they are prey not only to the paparazzi who have followed them, but to every regular Jane or Joe walking around with a cell phone camera.

Won't you help us protect our celebrities from this outrage?

This year, the Boulder Independent Film Festival (BIFF) is launching the Save-a-Celeb Bus Rides for Freedom (From Public Shame), or SACBRF. For just a small $25 donation, you can participate in this new program.

Your 25 dollars lands you a spot on one of our freedom buses, where you will be able to hand out water bottles and a small snack to our needy celebrities. A lucky few may even have the chance to clean up their vomit!

Please, don't hesitate. Remember, the festival only lasts four days, so opportunities are limited. Celebrities are getting drunk already! Please call today to reserve your spot on the SACBRF bus.

After living the life of a sinner, Dawn Corrigan is now living the life of a saint.