Health Advisory from the American Medical Association

By Dawn Corrigan


Today the American Medical Association issued a health advisory against running.

"Running is bad for you," Rear Admiral Kenneth Moribund, Acting Surgeon General of the United States, unequivocally declared at a press conference earlier this afternoon.

"Have you ever seen a shin split? Eiww. I mean, doesn't the name say it all?" added Moribund, who had dutifully consumed the AMA's recommended daily allowance of two glasses of red wine at a press luncheon immediately preceding his announcement.

"After extensive study, our office has concluded that habitual running leads to excessive perspiration, shortness of breath, the need to replace your own, God-given knees with Bionic ones, and the aforementioned shin splits (say it again with me people: Eiww)."

Moribund, who is affectionately referred to as "the Skipper" by his coworkers around the Surgeon General's office, continued, "Human beings used to run with a purpose. We'd run from something or we'd run to something. From the saber-toothed tiger, or to the entrance of the cave that was too small for the mastodon to fit through. We were never supposed to just start running and not stop.

"When a runner begins to run, initially his body is with him, assuming there is danger to be avoided.

"After a few blocks, though, the body has another reaction. This might be described as 'Wait a minute! Where are we going? Who's back there? There's no mastodon back there at all, is there?' And the next thing you know, your shins are splitting.

"This will hereafter be known as the ‘Mastodon Affect.’"

At this point in the press conference, a reporter attempted to override Moribund, pointing out the condition that commonly afflicts runners is actually known as "shin splints," not "shin splits." Moribund, however, was not to be deterred.

"Splints, splits, it doesn't matter what you call 'em, they’re awful! Just awful!" he exclaimed, making his office's position perfectly clear.

"Some of you might recall a study published by the University of Utah back in 2004, indicating that humans were 'born to run'" (see link below for that full story), continued Moribund. "Those researchers claimed the longer legs, shorter forearms, and bigger buttocks that humans developed compared to their more ape-like counterparts were proof that we are biologically designed for running.

"Our researchers, however, have proven that the 2004 study was flawed. Human beings did not develop larger buttocks for running, they developed larger buttocks because larger buttocks are hot! The Utah researchers did not take the ‘booty factor’ into account. Humans were not ‘born to run’—we were, in fact, born to boogie!" Moribund concluded.

A staff member intervened after Moribund's "booty factor" comment, announcing that the press conference was over. Analysts, however, are predicting that Moribund will hold a follow up press conference next week, at which it's expected he will declare disco the winner in its decades-long war with rock.