A Modest Proposal to Reduce Unemployment, Stimulate the Economy, Increase Productivity, Eliminate Illiteracy, Reduce Pollution, Decrease Obesity, Raise Disposable Income, Resolve Immigration Issues, Balance the Trade Deficit, Stop Global Warming and Increase Our Quality of Life.

By Daniel Brooks


In facing the many economic and social problems in America today, we turn to economists, doctors, scientists, politicians and many other professionals to help us.

These professionals offer a variety of approaches that often contradict each other, complicating the issues, leaving us confused and frustrated. The answers are often right in front of us. We work so hard to try to solve our problems that we can't see the forest because we're in the check-out line at Safeway.

I submit that if we put a person behind every register, teller window, ticket stand and toll booth in America, most of our problems would be solved. We have all been to K-Mart and have seen the rows of registers lined up at the front of the store but only one cashier on duty. We don't need to look for the register number's on the pole to see which check-out is open, because we can usually see a line to the register from the automotive section in the back of the store. Those lights on the register polls don't really work anyway; to save money they only put light bulbs in two of them. But, as a courtesy to the customers, many stores put a third bulb in at the beginning of the Christmas season, which starts right after the 4th of July. Putting a bulb in all the registers would stimulate the fledging light bulb industry in this country.  

Just think about the benefits of having a person behind every register. By my calculations, only 20% of all check-out windows are currently used. Putting a cashier behind all the unused registers, (the stores would not have to purchase any additional equipment), would be 80% more cashiers in America. With all that additional income, sales would increase drastically. We could fill the positions with high school kids which would get them off the streets and away from drugs so that they could do better in school and go on to college. Kids would have job experience as cashiers and an education, so they could start at higher paying jobs and have more money to buy the IPCPRTVIMDPDGWB Device, (I-Pods with built in Cell Phone, Real Time Video, Instant Messaging, Digital Photo Display, Gaming, Wireless Blackberry) that they so
desperately need to function in modern America.

No one would have time to read the tabloids while they were in the check-out line. They would have to purchase the magazines, increasing sales, and would have to take it home if they wanted to know about Britney Spheres pregnancy to an extraterrestrial or how Oprah lost 400 pounds in two days, helping thousands of people lose weight, because they would have the Oprah weigh loss method at home and wouldn't have to rely on their memory from reading it in the check-out line. It's hard to remember everything that you read in the check-out line anyway, with all the distractions of those "price checks," "manager assistance" announcements every few minuets and the anti-theft alarm going off every 30 seconds while the 5 year old kid behind you is pouring juice in your shoes as you notice his younger brother picking his nose and wiping it on the candy bars.  

People would read more at home because they would own the magazine and would have more time. Speaking of time, just think about all the time we would have if we never had to wait in line at the toll booth. Speed pass is great once we get past the mile backup caused by sole "Full Service Booth" and the loan exact change boot with the broken gate that will not go up unless you get the attention of the only cashier on duty, who is usually in the middle of counting out exact change of $18.75, in quarters, for a bewilder looking driver with out-of-state licenses plates. We could get to work sooner and certainly be more productive, spend less time on the road, emit less carbon monoxide and use less oil. Our lunch breaks could be a lot shorter once the cattle corral is removed from the bank, post office, and Wendy's.  CVS would have to remove the elaborate displays they have surrounding the three registers that are never used but the increase in sales would certainly allow them to set up shelves in the back near the pharmacy for the "electric lint shavers" that everyone desperately needs during their lunch hour. We would be more relaxed when we got back to work. The frustration that we often feel when someone cuts in line in front of us, filling in the gap that we courteously left in front of us so that that shoppers could cross the front of the store, would be a thing of the past. It would save us the embarrassment we feel when we get up to the register and demand to see the manager before noticing that the lone cashier is the manager and that the expiration date on the milk is older than he is.

I know what you're thinking. There are not enough teens in America to cover every registers in every store. I agree. In fact, the last time I was in a Wal-Mart, I counted the cash registers. I also counted 17 packs of Spearmint Gum and 14 packs of Wintergreen, but only 8 packs of Juicy Fruit. Did you ever notice that the Juicy Fruit seems to sell faster then the Spearmint? I think it's because Juicy Fruit is sweeter. Anyway, after I read about Tom Cruse's homosexual affair with Paris Hilton's illegitimate, Siamese twin brother, I counted 38 registers and that didn't even include the two that were open. So, how can we fill them all? Easy: with senior citizens and foreign workers. Social Security is just not enough for people to live on. By the time they pay for rent, medicine and cat food, there is nothing left for denture cream and Metamucil and have you seen the price of Depends lately? If there are not enough seniors, Target could pass out job applications at the boarders of Arizona and Texas.  Language is not really an issue any more because most people can speak any foreign language better than they can operate self-check-out machines at the supermarket. Did you ever try to use one of those machines to check-out when you had fresh peppers? There are 18 different varieties of peppers and 16 of them look exactly alike so when the matrix of 12 peppers comes up on the screen, you have to hold a pepper up to the screen and try to compare it. They don't all fit on one screen so you have to franticly search for the "next" button while the machine keeps repeating in a loud but pleasant, female, voice "Place your item on the scanner. Place your item on the scanner. Place your item on the scanner."  At least a human cashier would recognize the "halt" motion with your hand, or the "one" sign indicating "give me a second," or in a worst case, the cashier would recognize a rigid middle finger pointed strait up. But, I digress.

In summary, if we put a person behind all check-outs we would get through our daily tasks quicker, have more money to spend, have cleaner air to breath, have more time with our families, be able to read more at home, could lose more weight faster, would be more productive at work, could eliminate road rage and line rage, brush up on our foreign language skills, be more regular with our bowl movements, have more protection incase we are too regular with our out bowl movements, have dryer sox and shoes, keep our dentures in place, have healthier booger free candy, have more time to relax with our IPCPRTVIMDPDGWB Device and in general have a better overall quality of life.