Works by
Christopher Hivner
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Contractual Obligation Theater
By Christopher Hivner
Hello again and welcome to this edition of "Contractual Obligation Theater". I'm your host Disembodied Voice and with me in the studio are Disinterested Cameraman and Abouttobefired Producer. There's a movie being shot right here in our town and earlier this week we sent a film crew to catch all the action. So to give you a little taste of what it's like on the set of a Hollywood movie, here's a scene being filmed for the new romance "I Married an Arc Welder".
Director: Ok, everyone in position. It's getting late so let's get this done. Actors are you ready? Good, and action.
Sir Bertram Hogbottom: My dear, will you come to bed with me tonight?
Miss Irene Icecream: I just can't my love. Not until you marry me.
Sir Bertram: Marry you? That would be bedraggled hypocrisy!
Director: Cut! No, no, Sir Bertram. The line ends with 'wedded lunacy'. Ok?
Sir Bertram (laughing): Sorry everyone. What in the world did I say? No matter, no matter.
Director: Everyone in position again. Let's take it from Irene's line. Action.
Miss Irene: I can't my love. Not until you marry me.
Sir Bertram: Marry you! That would be shredded idolatry!
Director: Cut! Sir Bertram, what was that?
Sir Bertram: Sorry, did I do it again?
Director: Wedded lunacy-two words. Are you all right?
Sir Bertram: Yes, yes. I'm damn fine. Let's get this done.
Director: Ok, quickly people. Irene, once more.
Miss Irene: I can't do it my love. Not until we're married.
Sir Bertram: I should marry you? That would be fried tapestry!
Director: NO! Have I gone mad? Did he say fried tapestry?
1st Assistant: Yes sir, he did.
Director: Shut up. And get me a mocha latte. And a clean shirt since I spilled the last latte on this one.
1st Assistant: Yes sir.
Director: And a clove cigarette. And some piece of mind.
1st Assistant: Right.
Director: And the phone number of the makeup girl. And a small dog to keep me company if she turns me down.
1st Assistant: Got it.
Director: Now, Sir Bertram. We need to get this finished. What's the problem?
Sir Bertram: I don't know dear boy. I just can't seem to get those two words to come out right.
Director: Let's practice, ok? 'wedded lunacy'. You try.
Sir Bertram: Accredited University!
Director: Not quite. 'wedded lunacy'.
Sir Bertram: Shoddy flippancy!
Director: No! Sorry. Didn't mean to shout. 'wed-ded lun-a-cy'.
Sir Bertram: Creekbed infancy!
Director: That's it, no more. Sir Bertram, I'm sorry. I know you're a Shakespearean-trained actor and you've been nominated for 12 People's Choice Awards, which I'm sure you will win one of these years, and I mean no disrespect, but we're replacing you.
Sir Bertram: What? That's preposterous!
Director (shouting to his assistant): Get Keanu Reeves on the phone.
Sir Bertram: Keanu Reeves? You expect the public to believe him in this role? As her husband? Why, that's wedded lunacy!
(rim shot)
(cue music)
Thank you everyone for joining us for "Contractual Obligation Theater" and today's episode: A Long Way to Go for a Lame Joke. Good night!
END
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