Works by
CL Bledsoe
Oh My Darling, Darling, Doe-eyed Dental Hygenist."
"Dear Movie Hut Employee #62.
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Helium
By CL Bledsoe
There was this kid who farted helium. He noticed it when he turned thirteen, so he thought maybe it had something to do with puberty.
His mom said one time that his father's farts made her lightheaded. So the kid waited till she bent over the dishwasher and let one rip to see what would happen. She shrieked and her voice got all funny. That's when he knew it was helium.
He went around school the next day farting on every person he could. He ate baked beans for breakfast and brought broccoli for lunch. He farted on the rats in science class and they looked at him funny. Everyone else got cartoony voices. They tried to yell at him, but it came out as high pitched squeaks, which made him laugh more. Finally, they sent him home for disrupting class.
That night, his mother told the kid's father what he'd done.
"It was humiliating," she said.
Then the kid farted and her voice went way up. She told about the school calling but the kid couldn't stop laughing at her funny voice and every time he laughed, he farted.
"They want you to come to the school," she said to her husband. "And they want him to go to a hospital for tests."
His father looked at the kid for a long time. Then he grabbed him and bent him over. The kid was expecting a beating, like he'd had many times, but instead his father turned around and aimed his behind at the kid.
"I hoped this day would never come," his father said and farted louder and shriller than the kid could ever imagine.
"No one can know," his father said, as they all started choking and coughing. The kid realized it was some kind of poison gas, maybe cyanide that was filling the room. He tried to get away, but his father held him there. The kid wondered about his mother, if she was getting away.
"No one can know," the father said again, and it was the last thing the kid heard.
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