“going under the knife” and “I would imagine”

By Eddie Kilowatt

going under the knife

    "Oh man, you it's so comfortable,
    you gotta try it."

his fiancée chimed in

    "Oh I love it,
    women just love it.
    It makes them feel
    like it's something you do for them
    and nobody else."

I was having a hard time believing this.
it just seemed like so much crap to me.

    "Right!  he said,
    You can't be lookin' like you're
    all stuck in the 70's or something.
    You gotta take care of that shit!"

A few days later
while about to take a shower
I looked in the mirror and

- What the hell,

maybe he's got a point.

I gathered all the materials,
laid them out
orderly and sterile,
anticipating
the precision necessary.

I spent a long time in there.

each swipe:
carefully choreographed.
beads of sweat fell from my brow
I was a sculptor,
an artist of the highest calibre
I had a grace and concentration
familiar only to Russian chess players and
circus acrobats.

and when it was all done
I stood looking, not quite sure what to think.
it looked like one of those sphynx cats,
the hairless ones,
all pink and harmless looking.

Two days later I called him
to tell him that he was wrong.
all. wrong.,
and spent the rest of July
peeling my balls off the inside of my leg.

I would imagine

on the sidewalk, today
there was this
black and yellow
two sided
sandwich board sign
saying

    DANGER
    FALLING
        ICE

I would imagine the goal of that
is for you to look up
and see the ice falling on you
so it would land in your eye
instead of your hair