Marshmallows and Cigarettes

Photograph by Valerie

Text by top Defenestration scientists

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Recently, photographic evidence of a new trend among sweets has come into our possession. Smoking. That’s right. Not content with pushing their products onto middle-aged men, college girls, bikers, billiards players, cowboys, small children, unborn fetuses, and small dogs, the Cigarette Industry has started targeting candy, pastries, and other forms of delicious sugary treats.

The photographer, who chooses to be known only as “Valerie” (possibly because that’s her name), has informed us that this common marshmallow Peep, or Marshmallotus easteri, was seen taking long drags of a cigarette in what was described as “a redneck diner in the middle of Pottville, PA.” We were also told that the workers of this establishment, Phyllis and Red, made no moves to stop the Peep from smoking, even after the unfortunate marshmallow started coughing violently and hacked up what could only be called a tiny marshmallow lung.

Obviously this trend cannot continue. If we are to enjoy life as human beings, our sweets are not to be tampered with. After all, who would want to bite into a donut only for it to taste like the bottom of an ashtray? Who wants to open a Pixie Stick to find nothing but grey dust inside? Let this serve as a warning to cigarette companies: stop tempting our confections with your product, damn it!

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Valerie said to Andrew, upon a request for a bio: “I'm a 17 year old non-smoker with no life. I hang out at that redneck diner and drink endless cups of cheap coffee around people who do smoke! Let me tell you, it's no fun getting ogled by men in various trucker hats and plaid. Believe me, when you’re thin and have a full set of teeth there's no telling what will happen. I'd suggest a fine looking young man like yourself to never set foot in this diner! We've all seen Deliverance…”

The scientists at Defenestration have more credentials than a speck of dust, but less than the average euglena.