“Candid thoughts upon the recent purchase of your king size bed,” by Courtney Maum

Upon learning that you had purchased a brand new, Sealy postrapedic king size bed, I could not help but delve into the bank of observations I have collected over the years about the owners of king size beds, and I thought that I would share them with you because I got married before you and [...]

“Lincoln’s Bedpan,” by Ravi Mangla

Antique Roadshow is in town. I stop in. Why not? I tell them I’ve got something that’s going to knock their argyle socks off. Lincoln’s bedpan. His actual bedpan. That he peed in while president. Circa 1867. Like a golden apple that’s tumbled down the family tree.
He puts on his bifocals, turns it over in [...]

“5 Positive Things about Being Unemployed,” by Bridgett Gayle

The news is such a drag; all this negative talk about the credit crunch and increasing job loss. I, on the other hand, make pink lemonade from pink slips. Here are five positives to being unemployed that you might’ve overlooked.
1. Becoming Bill Murray
Ever watch Groundhog Day and thought, “Hey, wouldn’t it be cool to get [...]

“Oh Susanna, I Can See I Can See,” by Pat Moran

It was then that I realized why they had called her “Sausage Toes” in High school.
I hadn’t noticed them before, when they had been hidden away from the world in her undersized Chuck Taylors. She had this way of sitting with her legs awkwardly stacked on top of each other, her feet extended straight up [...]

Defenestration: January 2008

You can’t stop the Defenestration train once it starts moving. You need to either jump on board or get the hell out of the way. The January 2008 issue is here, and it’s already taken out fifteen cows!
January is that time of the year where we get to hear about all the movies that will [...]

3 Poems by Tom Noe

Untitled Limerick
A message arrives via media,
Inducing immediate tedia.
Don’t take it as such,
For who knows how much
Subliminal media fedia?

Poetry Deadline
You’ve a deadline to meet but your mind is replete
with all manner of secular notions,
And your editor swears that there’s no one who dares
to reject all his love and devotions.
So you’re trapped by your job, and, although [...]

“Infer-no,” by Megan Roth

In Hell it is always the holidays.
The cheer-drone of Christmas music
Jing jing jingles through the overstocked
Dust pungent grocery aisles.
The bagel store is always out of whole wheat,
The lunch specials always ended an hour ago,
And rain sounds like an Alabama radio show.
And there is coffee dripping down the side of your hand.
Everybody’s job in Hell is [...]

“Everyone Has One in Them,” by Digby Beaumont

“You’ll never make anything of yourself, Brian Boggis.” That’s what my old teacher used to tell me – which always felt a bit strange as my name’s Brian Pollock. Still, I’m sure he meant well. But you know what? I think I’m about to prove him wrong. I’m writing a novel. A thriller.
They say everyone [...]

“Dangerous Liaison,” by Bill Freeland

I’m beginning to have this uncomfortable feeling that I’ve been cheating on my wife.
It began a couple of months with a website offering information on “how to catch a cheating spouse.”   Harmless enough – until you read the warning signs:
1. Spouse has been hiding the cell phone or ducking into another room to take a [...]

“Putting the ‘Living’ Back in Living Dead: A Warmhearted Zombie Memoir,” by Marianne Hess

As soon as that nice young man dug me up and stole my diamond rings, I knew something was wrong. It wasn’t just that I’d been placed in a narrow coffin and dropped into the murky abyss of the earth, or that all my blood had been pumped out and replaced with embalming fluid, or [...]