Posts Tagged ‘ Prose ’

“It’s All Greek to Me!” by Jennifer Schaupp

Jun 21st, 2017 | By

How people romantically pair up eludes me. I’d have a better chance of learning Greek from a teacher who only spoke Greek before understanding the rules and non-rules of the dating scene. I once told a gentleman pursuing me that I was in between phones. I don’t know exactly what that means, but it sounded plausible, especially in the early otts when people were exploring the possibilities of cell phones. I just didn’t know how to let him down honestly, even though I believe in the definition of honesty and how it can positively impact your life.



“Wake up, Sheep—Paul Giamatti Is Not Dead!” by Daniel Galef

Jun 14th, 2017 | By

I know I’m going to catch a lot of flak for this, but I don’t care, because PEOPLE DESERVE TO KNOW THE TRUTH, and I’m not going to CENSOR MYSELF just because there are some things that THEY don’t want us thinking!



“The Cosmology of Your PANDORA Charm Bracelet,” by Heidi Espenscheid Nibbelink

Jun 7th, 2017 | By

Wife Charm 70.00 USD: What if all the years and effort you’ve put into this role could be encapsulated into one small heart-shaped silver charm with the word Love embossed in gold lettering? What if finally after fifteen years of marriage Dennis bought you a present for once, instead of telling you to pick out something nice for yourself?



“My Opinion, Which I’m Entitled To,” by Jay Morris

May 31st, 2017 | By

I think we humans have been doing a pretty rotten job taking care of the Earth lately, and that we should therefore consider turning over our dominion of the planet to another species. I suggest possums. They are smart and have little hands—maybe they’ll be able to use some of the tools we leave behind. Except jigsaws. I don’t like the idea of possums with jigsaws.



“13 terrible opening lines to ensure your after-work novel never sees the light of day,” by Gavin Bradley

May 24th, 2017 | By

1. The butler did it.



“God Hates Me, or How to Keep Your Crush from Knowing the Truth about You,” by Michelle Motoyoshi

May 17th, 2017 | By

God hates me. And now I have proof.

See, there’s this guy. Cute. Awkward. I’m hoping smart. He’s caught my attention. But, because God must hate me, the list of reasons why we’d never work is depressingly long, so I hold no hope that anything beyond requisite pleasantries will ever transpire between us. And yet this guy short-circuits my brain like no one else has. When I get within 10 feet of him, my usually coherent mind vacates the premises and leaves a bumbling, babbling half-wit in its place, believing, I guess, that I won’t notice.



“How Do You Feel About Mormons?: A Questionnaire,” by Ryan Shoemaker

May 10th, 2017 | By

1. How do you welcome your new Mormon neighbors? (a) I tell them Mormons are the just the nicest people, then ask them to watch my dogs while I’m in Maui for a month. (b) I formulate a rescue plan that includes college football and a seven-layer bean dip when the husband slips me a

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“Share a Coke, I Guess,” by Hunter Toro

May 3rd, 2017 | By

In a statement to the press this week, Coca Cola reflected on the recent release of their new marketing campaign—“Share a Coke, Passive Aggressively.”



“The Long Limp,” by St John Karp

Apr 26th, 2017 | By

I’m not disabled, just a terrible person. The boyfriend sometimes accuses me of being manic when I write to him at 3:30 a.m. calling him a magnificent, exotic pitcher plant or a gorgeously ornamented egg-cup. But not disabled — I feel like that’s an important piece of information before we start.



“Clown R&R,” by Kevin Sterne

Apr 20th, 2017 | By

I’m in the middle of my tuna melt when Wendy tells me she’s got a woman on the line with a clown stuck in her window well. Great.

“Can I call her after my break?” I say with a mouth full of moist tuna.

To which Wendy says, “I’m really sorry but she sounds like hysterics.”

Wendy’s big for her age, her age being about 55—or 20 years my senior—and big being residual body mass from her college rugby days.

I put the rest of my lunch in foil.