Posts Tagged ‘ Prose ’

“Full Disclosure: I Am a Russian Cyberbot Lurking on Your Social Media,” by Mike Fowler

Jun 20th, 2018 | By

Privyet! Thank you for joining me on Facebook or YouTube. Now let me ask you: have you checked your bank account balance lately, Johnny or Joanna? Your nest egg is at the mercy of a government that may plunge the economy into a depression any day. If I were you, instead of a cyberbot activated by the Kremlin, I’d travel to Washington and storm the offices of the Federal Reserve, causing as much healthy mayhem as possible. Like the ritual of self-outing that you innocent and fun-loving westerners call full disclosure, it’s the American way.



“Remember me? I’m that BioLet Composting Toilet you got as a Wedding Gift for Your First Marriage,” by Stacy Stevenson

Jun 13th, 2018 | By

It’s not every day a highly specialized composting toilet is purchased as a wedding gift. I mean, nothing says “this marriage is forever!” quite like a composting toilet. But alas, much like seeing undigested corn in my fecal containment area, I was confused by a lot of things in your marriage.



“Substitute Teacher Caught Up in Wind Bathing Incident,” by Joseph Szalinski

Jun 6th, 2018 | By

Celebrated Bayville Middle School substitute teacher, Charlie Craver, is at the center of some controversy recently, after accidentally exposing himself to a student as she was cutting across his property on her way home from the bus stop.



“Dialogue Between Friday Me and Monday Me,” by Mason Binkley

May 30th, 2018 | By

FRIDAY ME: Walking into the office just now, I felt this unexpected rush of gratitude and optimism. I can’t pinpoint why, exactly. Maybe it was the flowers in the courtyard or the friendly faces of our co-workers. Whatever the case, I’m so happy to be alive and to have this job, and I can truly say to you, “Good morning, brother.”



“Recent Graduate Doubts Existence of People Who Have Their Shit Together,” by David Blissenbach

May 23rd, 2018 | By

In many ways, Andy Nosticia is your average college graduate. He has a menial office job, still hasn’t figured out why his company faxes anything, is severely disillusioned, drinks his wine from a coffee mug because all his other dishes are dirty, and of course, he doesn’t have his shit together.



“Spiritual B.O.,” by Claudia Fucigna

May 16th, 2018 | By

You might think patchouli, but that’s not what I mean. I mean spicy shoes left to fumigate by the door. Acrid plastic yoga mats made in China that will take Vedic ages of rebirth to break down in a landfill. Gluten-free soy candles blessed by Peruvian shamans that cost an arm and a leg. Burned sage sitting on top of a seven-layer dip of cologne created by human bodies in motion.



“You are the Product,” by Nathan Leslie

May 9th, 2018 | By

Why are you here? Strike that—you don’t have to answer that. It’s what’s called a rhetorical question, obvi. Also obvi: you came here for wisdom, for guidance, for that one little nugget of an insight which you can squirrel away and unleash upon the world in a big way. You came here with a plan, a tablet, a book rearing to go. Maybe it’s werewolves in space. Maybe it’s vampires meets Das Boot—Dracula in a Submarine. Maybe it’s Bambi-grows-up-and-commits-Bambi-patricide. Turns cannibal.



“I Should Listen to More Reggae,” by Diane Callahan

May 2nd, 2018 | By

I once pretended to be Jamaican for five minutes.

Considering the fact that I’m whiter than mozzarella and have lived in Ohio my entire life, this was no small feat.



“Annual Ranking of Best U.S. Seminaries,” by Mason Binkley

Apr 25th, 2018 | By

We here at Rank It All want to help you find the most direct path to Heaven. As sinners ourselves, we know the path to Heaven is fraught with distractions and perils, such as the philosophy of Friedrich Nietzsche, college-level science, and masturbation. So we’re thrilled to assist you with this soul-saving selection process.



“Frequently Asked Questions About Your Robot,” by Michael Augustine Dondero

Apr 20th, 2018 | By

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of the most advanced model in Artificial Intelligence Personal Assistance by Montague Tech Corp: The Magnus® 13. Like you, each Magnus® 13 (M13) is unique. In no time at all, it will evolve to understand and cater to your specific needs.

So, sit back and let your M13 do all the work.