assume a new identity every quarter hour:

be saintly, paranoid, the lonely owner of a

cat. butter a slice of bread on both sides.

drop it. frown at the result and repeat your

experiment seventeen times; take notes

for posterity. sing a song he doesn’t like.

gather dust balls and put them on a shelf

high above your head. plant a baby spider

in the middle of that cosy nest. go and

jot down three questions for him: one that

keeps repeating itself, one containing a

little bit of weather and traces of music.

make the last available in five languages -

no morse code, no braille, no invention

of your own. practise oddly puckered lips,

prepare your tongue for unfamiliar twists.

quit something. anything. sudoku. zen, a

road to nowhere. replace with new addictions

search anagrams for patience is a virtue -

train active pie use; stir cutie, naive ape!

unhinge a door. lose interest in pot plants.

verify a rumour that involves him and a fruit.

write a five-step manual: how to play the

xylophone with closed eyes: do re mi fa sol.

yank out the phone cord. count back to

zero from your chocolate bar’s use-by date.

————

Michaela A. Gabriel was last seen in Vienna (Austria) living out slightly sadistic (or is that masochistic?) tendencies by teaching adults how to use computers & speak proper English, and conducting parallel love affairs with words of various length and reputation. The tattoo on her forehead quotes Tom Waits: we’re all mad here.

Michaela was tempted to let the Defenestrationistas come up with her bio note, but couldn’t decide what scared her most: that they’d get it completely wrong, or that they’d get it absolutely right. After all, people will believe anything they read on the web. Even this.

and I am a googleholic
My friends said I needed intervention,

that unaided ungoogling is unbearable,

suggested Googleholics Anonymous (GA).
(I had to google to find one, though)
The GA director said googling is incurable,

that once a googleholic always a googleholic,

that it was predestined and permanent.
(I googled all night on “googleholic”)
Again I confessed and spilled my guts.

“It is common to slip off the wagon,” they said.

“You must surrender your mouse and modem.”
(I googled to find the closest wireless service)
“Apologize to everyone you have googled,”

they said. “Ask them to accept and forgive you.

Pledge publicly to avoid googling them ever again.”
(At home alone in the dark I googled)
GA members mentioned a Higher Power.

Besides admission, confession, and forgiveness,

I had to surrender my being to a Higher Power.
(That night I googled for a “Higher Power”)
I exhausted myself googling for Higher Powers,

but each google returned the response: “Your search

for a ‘Higher Power’ did not match any documents.”
(My name is Nameless and I am a googleholic)

 
The Leader’s Address on Terrorism

“My fellow Americans

[Translator: "My fellow Americans]
Every single night I pray to God for guidance in the fight the terrorists

[God speaks to me often, and his message is clear. So listen carefully]
We’re now fighting a noble and global-wide War against Evil

[Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, Al-Qaeda, Hezbollah, Hamas: Bring 'em on]
We’re going to beat the terrorists on their territory, not in the streets of America

[Most of the oil in the world is in the Middle East, Dummy]
I say to terrorists everywhere: our superior American military will destroy you

[This time we'll invade a country easier to control, like Kiribati or Tuvalu]
Defeat is not an option. We will stay the course until total victory against terrorists

[I'm the decision-maker, so toe the line or I'll tap your phones]
Americans with doubts about winning this war in Iraq are wrong

[Those who want to cut and run are traitors and we'll find you]
Fellow Americans, you have a clear choice: you are either with me or against me

[Do it or I'll order the Attorney General to monitor your damn E-mails]
America is the beacon of democracy and the rest of the world will follow our lead

[We're going to change the world into mini markets for American businesses]
People across the world have shown that they would rather live like Americans

[Our porn, drugs, and infidelity is more addictive than traditional values]
American is the land of opportunity to be rich and comfortable

[I plan to retire soon and live on my ranch like a sheik]
Let us bow our heads and ask God for rapid success. Do it now!”

[Pray with me or I'll Swift Boat you"]

————

Tony’s grandparents claimed to be descendents of Marco Polo. That led him to China to research his ancestors. However, because he poked around in sensitive records, the government kicked him out. So Tony found refuge in Texas, where he has learned to lie a lot. Currently he is researching the influence of Chianti on Christopher Columbus’s ambition to sail west in search for a water route to China so he could corner the Chinese green tea market. Tony is still testing the Chianti, so it might be years before he concludes his research.

that at this point in the evening

my train of thought

tends to be an empty passenger locomotive

dangerously  low on  fuel,

more inclined than not

to derail  under a slight breeze,

and running  along rusted-out tracks

held together

with duct tape and a prayer.

The  engineer is passed out cold

and  the conductor’s under the delusion

that he is, in fact,

an all-powerful lawn flamingo.

As such, whatever it was that I was going to say

has  vanished in a cloud

of steam,  smoke, and rent  plastic

only to be replaced

by  that episode of Boy Meets World

with three of the Monkees

and the sudden overwhelming  need

to remember the lyrics

to Daydream Believer.

————

Eirik Gumeny is  a professional stunt driver,  handy with a flashlight,  and has  been referred to on no fewer than three occasions  as the Devourer of Worlds.