Posts Tagged ‘ Matt Kolbet ’

“On Picking My Chow Name,” by Matt Kolbet

Dec 6th, 2017 | By

Dear Mr. Loaf,

Can I call you Meat? I’m writing because we share an affinity for renaming ourselves as grub. You were once Marvin and became so much more. Likewise, I want the culinary glory of nomenclature from foodstuffs.

“Yelp Reviews of some of Oregon’s Prisons,” by Matt Kolbet

Jul 26th, 2017 | By

Oregon State Penitentiary, Salem.

This place is showing its age. I know they moved it from Portland in 1866, but seriously…the concrete walls are under 15 ft. high. Both sad and ridiculous. On the plus side, it didn’t take as long to get served as when I went to Social Cube in downtown Portland. The bartender there totally ignored me. Of course, that’s part of how I ended up here. Three stars.

“No Title (on purpose),” by Matt Kolbet

Dec 20th, 2016 | By

As Charles jumped from atop the building,
he yelled like a native (which is to say he
made a noise as often depicted in the
media of Western countries (clearly
an artificial division, unfairly favoring
one side with false criteria of culture)
though natives surely had their own
reasons to yell, just not—perhaps—
jumping from buildings).

“Album Review: Despots’ Mixtape,” by Matt Kolbet

Jan 27th, 2016 | By

Everybody’s dropping mixtapes now, and it can be hard to figure out which ones are worth your time. This reviewer has unearthed a collection that is both historical and fantastic. No mere concept album or casual listen, this compendium will practically revolutionize what you think you know about music and potentates. When it takes over the airwaves, you’ll be happy to listen.

“Having a Baby, as Illustrated by Our Library History,” By Matt Kolbet

Oct 21st, 2015 | By

Part I: Pregnancy

The Good Housekeeping illustrated book of pregnancy and baby care.

The Madness of King George [videorecording]

Toys to Knit

Dark Autumn [videorecording]

Chariots of Fire [videorecording]

“A Letter from a Starfish,” by Matt Kolbet

Aug 20th, 2013 | By

Listen, I can’t speak for everyone else, but it didn’t make a difference to me. I want to get that out right away, and I repeat—it didn’t make a difference to me.

I know you think it did, so that’s why I’m saying it first. You walk along, and you see how many starfish there are scattered along the shore. Frankly, the situation looks impossible, and it is, for one person. I mean, after all, that’s kind of your universal conflict: What is the meaning of my life? What purpose do I serve? And finally, is there some kind of telos that can be shared between me and other people?

“Excerpts from Cliff Notes to Planet Earth,” by Matt Kolbet

Mar 13th, 2013 | By

In the multiverse, Earth can be a wonderful place to live, and for most people is a definitive place to die. Still, despite these near certainties, there are many misunderstood points about life on our planet, and although technology has helped us better explore the mysteries of the universe, it has not provided all the answers, like why we feel lonelier the more we use it.

For example, the planet is set on vibrate and earthquakes are text messages from God. Unfortunately, no one has yet figured out how to read them on plate tectonics or when God will send another message (if He’s angry or trying to rekindle what has been, since its inception, an on-again/off-again relationship). There is less confusion over whether or not rainfall represents God’s tears. It doesn’t.

“A Sign of God,” by Matt Kolbet

Dec 28th, 2011 | By

The Westboro Baptist Church has gained a certain degree of notoriety for protesting both military and celebrity funerals. Their attempts at linking all deaths to God’s condemnation of America’s laxity towards sin have, unfortunately, become hackneyed. Their most typical signs read: God Hates Fags or Thank God for Dead Soldiers. What’s most shameful about these placards is not so much the vitriol of the sentiments, but rather the missed opportunity.

“Your Rhetorical Questions Answered,” by Matt Kolbet

Sep 14th, 2011 | By

Do bears shit in the woods?

Sometimes. Scientists have searched for many years for an ursine latrine but have found it as elusive as an elephant’s graveyard. Their best guess—based on the idea that living things ingest food as well as expel waste, and old episodes of Gentle Ben—is that bears have a highly developed bladder that permits them, like Wal-Mart employees, to wait extremely long periods before going to the bathroom.

“Monogamy,” by Matt Kolbet

Jul 7th, 2010 | By

Pornography is an easy moral target, but too often the only response critics have is to discuss how it demeans women, corrupts viewers and participants, and marginalizes the family unit. Thankfully, Family Limited® has come up with a viable alternative to such degrading material—Monogamy, a new reality show.